While all the rest of you people were watching classic golden-shower television shows like Breaking Brad and Dungeons and Abbies, I spent my time watching old-school cinema. HELL YEAH
Mm. I think I lost a war.
Oh well. On to the ratings!
Be advised that the rating system ranges from 90 to Goiter.
WILD WILD WEST (1)
EYES WIDE SHUT (1.5)
UHF (2.5)--Weird Al and Sir Laurence Olivier about a hand-cranked TV station
CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES (1.5)
HANNAH AND HER SISTERS (4)
LOVE AND DEATH (2.5)
DJANGO UNCHAINED (3)--Who keeps hiring Quentin Tarentino to act in his movies?!
CATFISH (3)--Awful people meet on the Facebook. But shouldn't technology be used to keep us apart?
RUBY SPARX (2.5)--Add two more x's and you've got a porno going!
DAMSELS IN DISTRESS (3)
QUEEN OF VERSAILLES (3)--World's most vulgar people. Donald Trump sheds a single tear.
BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES (1)
SLEEPWALK WITH ME (2)--I'd rather sleepfuck with me.
KICKING AND SCREAMING (3.5)
DEATH RACE (1)
DARK HORSE (2.5)
LOVE'S KITCHEN (1.5)
ELEVATOR TO THE GALLOWS (3)
CEDAR RAPIDS (2.5)--What goes on in Ed Helms, stays in Ed Helms
THE HOST (2)--Korean monster movie, not the book written by the Mormon monster
EYES WITHOUT A FACE (3)--Three smiley faces
FIVE PEOPLE YOU FELLATE IN HEAVEN (1)
GIGLI (1)--Needed more Kevin Smith and Silent JLo
BRANDED ON THE BRAIN! (3.5)
HARD TICKET TO HAWAII (5)--A snake pops out of a toilet. If only the Bible had more scenes like that!
DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS (1)--Put down the percentile dice and step away. Slooowly
FISH STORY (3)
LOOPER (2)--Time travel. Is there anything it can't do? (A good movie)
TO ROME WITH LOVE (2.5)
SHARKTOPUS (1)--All about a shark winding up as pus
ENEMY MINE (2.5)
TRAFIC (3)--Jacques Tati being silent and French, n'est ce pas croissant
NOW YOU SEE HIM NOW YOU DON'T (1.5)
SWIMMING TO CAMBODIA (3.5)
BURT WONDERSTONE (1.5)--The kind you get in your kidney and need to pee out HARD
ELIZABETHTOWN (2)--Andy's favorite movie, for some reason
A BOY AND HIS DOG (2)
SEVENTH SEAL (3)--Chess as therapy, and eschatology
IRON SKY (2)
FANTASTIC VOYAGE (1.5)--Still used to teach kids about biology and Raquel Welch's vagina
MONTY PYTHON'S MEANING OF LIFE (3.5)
THE WEATHER MAN (2)
MYRA BRECKENRIDGE (1.5)
DRIVE ANGRY (1.5)--Can a person ever get enough Cage??
THE COMPUTER WORE TENNIS SHOES (1)--Typical raunchy Disney fare
SUPERMAN 3 (I)--Keep those giant-framed glasses, they'll be worth money someday
MONSTER IN A BOX (3)
GRAND ILLUSION (3)
WHO'S YOUR CADDY (1)--Thank you, Mr. President (say in Monica Lewinsky's voice)
LIBERAL ARTS (2)--Elizabeth Olsen tries for that Elizabethtown vibe. Can you blame her? (yes)
THE MASTER (3.5)
ANNA KARENINA (3.5)
ZIZEK! (3)--The world needs more Slovenian philosophy
HIDDEN FORTRESS (3.5)--Otherwise known as my ex-wife's vagina. Amirite?
QUEEN TO PLAY (2.5)--Yikes, I had to look this up again. Kevin Kline speaks French and is grumpy playing chess. Maybe it's best not to remember it.
FRANCES HA (3)
ROCK OF AGES (1.5)--Cruisin'
ONE MILLION B.C. (1)
ENTER THE VOID (3)--Is anyone still reading this post? Echo
AMERICAN MOVIE (4)
STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD (1.5)
THE LAST BIG THING (3)--Another movie I had to look up. Good thing I have a brain with memory in it. (I'm being sarcastic in case you can't tell)
MAN OF STEEL (1.5)
Okay! That's it for this first part! Surely next year won't be as atrocious.
(Wait, is De Niro wearing a thong?)