Tom Cruise and the Cock of Ages

Today's Movie Minute takes place in 1987, the very year when I had graduated from, er... kindergarten. Yeah, that's it.

ROCK OF AGES takes place in a chilling reality where people communicate by singing. That might work for law enforcement officers, but it doesn't work for the rest of us civilians.

Tom Cruise plays a sexy rocker who is off his rocker. We are strenuously made to believe that he likes hard rock. And women. 

Wait. Get a little closer...

Gaaah! That's right, ladies! Tom Cruise wants to lick your vaginas!

The movie is about star-crossed lovers trying to put on a show to save old McGuillicutty's barn. Here they are discussing the semiotics and relative heuristics of Ebn-Ozn versus The Plimsouls.

"A million miles away ROCKED, jagweed."

Later, the stars get their stars crossed at a Westboro Baptist Church protest, demanding that Tom Cruise just come out and be gay already. God may hate fags, but He's really impatient about people in the closet. JUST COME OUT ALREADY

Wacky hijinks ensue when Tom Cruise splooges in the lead girl's hair because he thought her hair was a man.

Some crusty old PRMC lady wants Tom Cruise to put a butt plug in it. And by butt plug I mean... aw who cares. Did this movie really happen in my mind grapes?

"THROAT CANCER RULEZ!!!"

In a final irony that Let's Active would have loved, Russell Brand and Alec Baldwin express their love for each other physically, as was the style at the time of 1987. Baldwin then croons a little Quarterflash. THE HORROR

"I'm gonna harden my cock...."

So we learn that not only does the drummer from Def Leppard has one arm, but Tom Cruise is a very sad, lonely man. UNTIL HE LEARNS TO ROCK (and date men).