Friday, March 17, 2017

Hawaii Five-One

Once I was admitted to the ranks of Hero Squad, I did only what was natural. Pose like a jackass!

"What's that over there? Is that a bird? I MUST KILL IT"

We take up our narrative, after deciding not to fling myself off the balcony lol, with Scott coming to pick me up in his Volcano Van. Scott was a rather hyperactive fellow with a soul patch and a deadly need to say the words "rift zone" twenty times an hour.

After we saw the rift zone, we went to Hawaii's nicest beach...

"Damnit, is that another bird??"

Nothing like black sand to make you want to throw off the fetters of "clothing" and curl your toes in the hot volcanic dust! (Not pictured.)

We then went to the second-nicest beach in Hawaii, where I was inspired to do some light yodeling. I learned that the sharp rocks are great for diving off or on to. (Paramedics standing by.)

"The human male enjoys touching his hips. 
It might be a mating call, scientists aren't sure..."

Then we explored the jungles and Hawaii's biggest waterfall, gushing more cubic tons of water than all the oceans combined (or so Scott said, I wasn't really listening). Watching it was not helping my urination pain...

"I'd like to see the Casa Bonita guy do a dive off this! Amirite, Scott?!"
"Huh?"

I bid adieu to Scott, and then hopped on a whaler. Once we were out in the open ocean, I anxiously took out my phone so I could shoot pictures of people taking pictures. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

"Thank God I can't see anything out on the water. 
(That guy has a really neat forearm. Maybe I'll tell him...?)

At last I got off my hero ass and went to the rail in order to catch the action now.

"That guy is wearing a pretty sweet wristwatch.
 Oh, and there's some sort of sea dragon out there (yawn)..."

Back at my hotel they were giving lessons on how to play the ukelele. I rushed past--only to do a pratfall into the hula dancers.

"Listen up, everyone! There's not a ukelele visible in 
this picture, so we'll just have to take my word for it!"

A gala time was had by all. And by all, I mean me. Now I have the Hawaiian plague, otherwise known as Hamekemahulkuaha-le's revenge.


Arrivederci, Hawaii!

Friday, March 10, 2017

Hawaii - Elvis = Me + Trouble/Hard Ticket

Here's the place where I'm staying. It's called "Ua Mau Ke Ea O Ka Aina I Ka Pono," or "Ua Mau Ke Ea O Ka Aina," for short.


For breakfast I had to clamber up this tree to get my waffles. I died halfway up.


Here's a view outside my window before the tsunami hit, ha ha.


These rocks need Neutrogena!!


Okay, enough of the ha ha with the pictures. Time for a long, long block of text that will make you sigh like a raped accordion. The Sheraton in Kona is a great hotel. Great food and even better carpet. But the best thing of all? It makes you feel young again! The median age is at least 106! I'd get off everyone's lawn if I only knew which lawn they wanted me off. On my first night here I thought I'd take a sprightly jaunt to a nearby eatery. Turns out Hawaii is super dark at night, due to the lack of light (or so it was explained, slowly, to me). The concierge helpfully gave me a flashlight, which succeeded only in illuminating my pants. As I stumbled about in the thick tropical obscurity, I realized I must have taken a wrong turn somewhere. Some guy was hosing down his boat. Others were being hosed because they didn't use the lotion in the basket. I was scared, walking up and down with my feeble light. Finally a car slowed next to me. "Aloha!" the white-bearded driver said. "Huh? I'm sorry, I don't speak the lingo!" "Aloha means, Need a lift?" he said. I admitted I was lost, and he told me to hop in. Since he was offering candy, I thought why not? As he proceeded to drive me in the correct direction, we engaged in some polite conversation. When I said I was from Denver, he was astounded. "Why, I moved there in 1945!" he said whistling through his gums. I was then similarly astounded. Had I stumbled into Cocoon? He dropped me at my destination, where I was served a sandwich and a roach. The roach scurried off the server's arm (?) and ran across my table. I jumped up and chased it around until I smashed it repeatedly with my Bukowski (he would have approved). I looked up and an elderly couple at a booth stared at me. I must have seemed excessively spry. The next day I went for a swim on the beach--the beach being a ten yard segment of cigarette-butt and rock-filled sand. In the changing room, an elderly gent came in and started to undress. The guy was very old and had very white long hair. He looked like Neptune mixed with some grease...


He had quite the dong, which I stared at for only five and a half minutes. Then I ran out to the beach, screaming "COWABUNGIO!!" and I swam for about four and a half minutes. After an interminable trolley ride through downtown Kona, I was back at my hotel. There I was faced with the beautiful view from my balcony...


"Hmm," I thought. "Should I fling myself off? Or continue with this vacation?"

FIND OUT NEXT WEEK!!

Friday, March 3, 2017

Almost Famous

Jonah and I were at the circulation desk, discussing important matters.

Blessing came over to us. "What are you two nerds talking about?"

"We're talking about The Room," Jonah said with philosophical weightiness. "The greatest movie ever created by an extraterrestrial."

"Oh, not that again! You two should GET a room! Zing!"

Jonah stared, impassive. "I don't get it."

"Okay, now, shut up. I need you two to help me get ready for Channel Two News. They're coming for the Valentine's Day program thingy, but I want to make sure my face is out there. I want to become library famous!!"

"Library famous," I said. "I hope that's not as sad as it sounds?"

"SHUT UP! First I need a joke to read on our PA system in order to annoy all our customers and give them a good laugh as they leave."

"How about, why don't Ken and Barbie have children?"

"Why?"

"Because Ken comes in a different box."

"I can't do that!!" Blessing punched me. Hard. "Okay, I'm going to take my break, but when I get back I want you two nerdlingers to come up with something interesting for me to say for my television debut!"

"Can it be about The Room?" Jonah asked hopefully.

"NO!" Blessing went off, singing: "I'm gooo-ing too-oooo my breeaaaaaaah-ayyyyyy-ache, I'm go-oooing on braaaaaayyyy-ke, haatcha!"

"Does she always have to narrate her life with singing?"

Jonah shrugged. "I think Lacan would call that the Borromean knot."

"Huh?"

"Exactly!"

When Blessing came back, Jonah and I had nothing. We had spent her entire very loong break talking about The Room.

"What?!?"

"Sorry. But how about this picture I drew of you? Will that appease you, Your Majesty?"

Blessing scowled at herself.

"Is this really the best you can do?"


"Yes, sorry. But I did one of Jonah, too."


"Why did you make me look like Greg Sestero?"

"You need to ask?"

Blessing continued to gaze upon herself. "I'm just kidding, Greggy. I like it!"

"Hey," Todd said, coming over. "That's MY nickname for him. Back off, lady."


"Careful, he'll fart on you."

"Oh! There's the news van! It's time for me to SHINE. Shiiii-innn-eyeeyeeye-ine!..."

I turned to Jonah. "Just another fun day here at Ruby Creek, which..."

Jonah nodded sadly, and finished for me: "As we all know is part of the Duluth Public Library. Sigh."

Friday, February 24, 2017

Blue Hawaii Is The Warmest Movie

Donovan came over.

"What makes someone sit in the stall right by where I'm working and just start groaning like a bull moose?"

"I have to admit I wasn't expecting that question," I said. "We have a bull moose in the bathroom?"

"I'm on the floor, working on the sink, and this guy come right in next to me and start groaning over the toilet! There are five stalls! He can't use one of those farther down?"

"People are very strange these days."

This delightful prologue leads me to today's Movie Minute, a turd of a movie if there ever was one! But, sorry, the bull moose had to be put down. Sad face.

BLUE HAWAII is about a half-man half-ape who terrorizes the population with his ukelele.

"AIEEE! RUN!"

The movie stars the Eminem of the sixties, Elvis Costello. The original smirking jackass, he pitches woo in between songs that have "Aloha" and "Sand in your crack" in them. It's a heady stew!

*sniff, sniff* "Baby, did you have the Pupu Platter?"

It turns out Elvis has a lot of charm, which is great since he's the star of the movie!

"Baby darling, I love you no matter what you pupu!
 Har, har. (Have I charmed you yet?)"

He spreads his sauce on all sorts of hapless ladies, many of whom have been given a powerful cocktail that renders them immobile and a bit pointy.

"You know what they say about men with small guitars?" *smirk* "Wait..."

Along the way he must woo his prospective loan officers, so he can get a great rate on a new home!


"The editors of YOU Magazine, folks. Let the killing commence."

Elvis and his abductee/bride try escaping into the lush Hawaiian scenery, but it turns out that Hawaii is a horrible place. NEVER leave your hotel is the message of this film!

"Jesus, make it stop!"

Eventually, Elvis briefly stops his obnoxious crooning in order to marry some of the locals. His sister wives have been revived long enough for him to give them the ol' hounddog, if you catch his meaning.

"Don't you people have a TV to shoot??"

Elvis ups the tempo on one of his songs, and the olds are appropriately horrified.

"I have the vapors!"
"Was it the Pupu, darling?"

In the end, Elvis is the star of the movie and he decides to accept his large paycheck. He's a wonderful guy. And he loves Lisa so much.

"Is that a helicopter coming to rescue me??"

Okay, that does it. I should be ready for my trip!

Friday, February 17, 2017

I'm Ready for Slam Poetry Night!! (Wait, Do They Still Do Those?)


The Bypass Thief

A Morality Tale in Fifteen Unnecessary Cantos


THIEF! THIEF! shrieked our boss Karen by email,
The copier bypass key was filched! Jail
Was much too good for such a reprobate,
This was worse than those who sly masturbate!

Karen called me in the office. "It's time,"
Said she, "For someone to pay for this crime!"
Her voice was hobbled hoarse; she limped like Ahab
And dark demanded I the culprit nab.

"It's a sign--a key!--of the sad zeitgeist
That someone would pull such a heinous heist
And make off by depravity sublime--
A stunt on par with a certain pipeline!

"Greg, go forth to the second floor and scope
For scofflaws who copy for free, no joke!"
Like Dupin she opined the thief the scene
To return and reap the profits obscene.

As I left she yelled, "Incident report
Fill out, too!" "Yes," I muttered my retort
Wittily. With a face like a tough guy,
I climbed stairs and roved my reluctant eye.

In one corner sat the man usual
With his laptop and grunting perusal--
Who once was suspected of kiddie porn
But had for Candy Crush a thing forlorn.

There was the old lady with the boxes
Who stooped like she had a broken coccyx...
Asleep or dead? Until a snore mighty
Stole the key to my equanimity.

At computer Number Four sat a bore
Not wearing his shoes that stunk on the floor.
He said his "diabetes" it was due
Why he had to flaunt library rules.

Hm. Flaunt, eh? I gave him a look narrow.
Was this mustached man, this deranged pharaoh,
Our thief? But I paused. How to get it done?
"No one expects the Key Inquisition!!..."

I slunk back downstairs, feckless and keyless.
Karen was mad, she wanted the Loch Ness!
But she also said Our Chief Dorito
Had whet her appetite to slay a foe.

"Catch the thief! Catch the thief!" was so bruited
While Jonah and Lexie were recruited--
"Go and stand sentry for this criminal!
Look sharp, you! Run up there, get on the ball!"

Lexie [aside] said, "The boss never tires--
I'm strung high, but she's on a string higher!"
While Jonah deconstructed the mise-en-
Scene and equated the key to Lacan.

Meanwhile all the staff was in concern deep,
Who'd stolen the key like a stupid creep?
On that line of thought Todd piped in with his
Theory about more key crimes--namely, jizz?

Days went by. Karen with lashings of tongue
Yelled at the staff--and as she her arm swung
Out jumped a small object from her jacket--
A silver key. It'd been in her pocket!

In the wise worldly words of Walt Kelly:
We have met the thief of the bypass key--
And the bypass key thief is...
Karen.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Library Squad! (in color)

I was telling Todd about my new retainer that I have to wear every night--this is the mouth device that plumps out my lips and distends my jaw and makes me breathe like a cyborg eating a burrito...


It soo makes me a devil with the ladies. All the many ladies in my bed late at night.

Todd was enjoying my witty, pointless remarks when an elderly Caucasian female in a bronze wig came into the circulation area...

"Uh? Can I help you?"

The perp said nothing, pawing at the prospector holds for several minutes, and then went off again. Todd gave me an outraged look, and I shrugged mildly.

"That's the theater lady. She acts like a volunteer..."

"Well, I have no idea who she is. So I farted on her."

"What?"


"She was in my space, so I squeezed out some dirt in her general direction..."

I was about to cite Todd for violating the Library Clean Air Act when I was summoned to the second floor. A customer had called our number to complain about someone making "awful" noises. I decided to check it out. Putting on my grim enforcer face...


I went to the conference room to find a Caucasian female in her mid-thirties with a young girl, about 4' 2" and 70 pounds, having a study session.

"Is there a problem?" I said.

"Someone is making grunting sounds...? It sounds sexual. And I just wanted to make sure we were safe."

"No worries, Ma'am," I tipped my library badge. "That's just a patron wildly humping one of our computers. And then getting jizz everywhere. But I'll talk to him."

"Oh, thank you, officer!"

I went over to our computers. The individual in question was an elderly Caucasian man, breathes through the mouth, plays Solitaire. I'd known the perp from previous encounters, having once banned him for having asked one of the clerks if they were "fucking stupid." I gestured at him. The suspect paused in his Solitaire and turned up his hearing aid. A minute later, he was still turning up the hearing aid. Presumably to 11.

"Hello, yes," I said, trying not to give away that I'm small on the inside. "Are you okay?"

"Ehhn uhn. Clearing my throat."

"Okay. Er, carry on."

Should I tell him to clear his throat a little less... erotically? He was very loud with his coughs and wheezes. As I pondered this, walking away, I spotted a body in the stacks. I stopped. Did I just see that? I retraced my steps, and indeed saw an Asian woman, about fifty years old, hair in a topknot, face-down on the floor by the 700s. I went over to her, wondering if I needed to get my chalk. She sat up immediately.

"Are you okay?"

She nodded. Her knot nodded. I nodded knowingly, not naughtily. I went back to my desk to file my many incident reports. Yes, it was all in a day's work at the library.


*quietly sneaks away*

Friday, February 3, 2017

Screwing the Poop

I went over to Mom's, and she was out in the back yard hacking at frozen turds with a screwdriver.

"Mom? Mom!"

Mom turned around, the blade of the screwdriver glinting in the low winter sun. She was huffing clouds of smoke.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to pick up Bingo's poop. But it's frozen in there!"

"Well, don't you have an acetylene torch, or something?" I said. "And it's not safe for you to be out in this snow. Besides, I don't think a screwdriver is the best way. Though I bet Freud might have something to say about that."

"What are you blabbering about?"

"Nothing. Sorry."

Mom gave up on the turd hacking, and we went back inside. Bingo slunk behind Mom's recliner, growling at me.

"If there was only some way to keep those turds warm out there," I said, keeping my distance from Bingo. "Maybe make them little sweaters?"

Bingo kept growling.

"BAH!" Mom cried. She clapped her hands. "BAH!"

Bingo slunk deeper behind the chair.

"That 'bah' stuff doesn't seem to work, Mom. Is that what the trainer told you to do?"

"Yes. Here, let me get him a treat. I have some rotisserie chicken..." Mom placed the screwdriver next to her plate of half-eaten food. "Here, Bingo! Here you go...!"

Mom dropped greasy pieces behind her chair. The growling ceased.

Mom sat, exhausted. She lifted her arm to show me that she was wearing a Fitbit on her wrist.

"Look, I'm up to 2000 steps today. See?" Mom waved her arm. "Now I have 2002! I'm supposed to do 8000 steps a day, but that's not happening."

"So you get more steps if you move your arm?"

"Yes." Mom waved her arm. Then checked the readout. "Yes, I get a few more like this..."

"But aren't you supposed to walk instead?"

"I'm moving my arm. That's something!" Mom waved her arm.

"It's great that you can buy a device that reminds you how inadequate and worthless you are. Technology--it's fannnnn-tastic!!"


"What are you giggling about? Why are you so strange?"

"Actually, it's good that you have a Fitbit, Mom. You don't want to end up like that lady at the library."

"What lady?" Leaning back on her plush recliner, Mom put her arm down.

"I was shelving holds and I saw a woman on the floor, sprawled face-down. I walked past her and then did a double-take. She was back in the 700s, just face-down on the floor. I went over to her, and she immediately got up. I asked if she was okay, and she said she was fine. She went back to reading her book, sitting on the floor."

"Oh, that reminds me! I've been doing word searches on the computer. But now the game site wants me to download Flash Adobe. What is that? What should I do?"

"I can help you with that, Mom. But..."

"What?"

"I hope you're doing more than just word searches on the new computer I bought you."

"I like doing word searches."

"Yes, but you can buy word search puzzles for 69 cent at the local pharmacy. I don't know if you really need a new computer for that."

Mom frowned. Bingo started to growl. That was my cue.

As I went for the door, Mom tossed the screwdriver. "Put this in the sink before you leave!" she yelled.

The screwdriver hit me in the chest and fell to the carpet. I looked at it, looked at Mom, and then ran out.

"I HATE YOU, SIGMUND FREUD!!"