My Morning Routine For Minimum Success

10:47 am 

Frantically pull off CPAP. Crack two raw organic eggs in face. Now I'm awake! And messy!

"Wtf. Four am?? So very.... Zzzzzzzz."

11:04 am

Pick lint from belly button. Hee hee, that tickles!

11:06 am

Strap pancakes to nipples. Amazing results! (Description and merch in link below.)

11:12 am 

Tuck Saratoga ice cube in ass cheeks, do pushups until weeping. Usually four, five.

12:03 pm 

Quick nap, feel exhausted.

2:33 pm 

Chernobyl-sized dump. Best call doctor later. 

2:47 pm  

Important business call on headset, pace studio apartment with view of King Soopers parking lot, yell, "TEN THOUSAND! Yes, we need TEN THOUSAND $HAWK coins! Yes, I'm serious! Get on that."

3:13 pm

Get out of rocket jammies and into tailored Armani suit, gold chain, cologne, crocs.

3:16 pm

Itchy and uncomfortable, back into jammies.

4:20 pm

Aww yeah.

5:44 pm

Who the fuck ate all the Fruity Pebbles? Was it you, Mateo??

5:12 pm

Practice accordion.

"I have no friends!"

6:49 pm

Time for bed!

7:15 pm

Renew vow to get up earlier and do something with life.

7:16 pm

Naw.

12:02 am

Nightmare about pancakes eating me inside giant accordion, ha ha. Shake uncontrollably.

5:05 pm

Wait, what year is this?