Say Hello To My Little Friend

Is there anything drearier than getting up in the morning? All that business of needing to move upwards from the bed, turn one's torso, activate muscles (sigh), plant your foot units on the floor, irritably blink at the light through the broken blinds... Fuck, it's just all so tedious. Then don't even get me started on having to dress and shower and shave and all that. Why?! The worst is the shaving. Stand in front of the mirror, confront my mortality, exert effort in running a shaver over my face and balls.

Can't someone else do it??

"Hel-lo, Gerg, need ball shave?"

Meta to the rescue! My uncanny bland avatar took up his electric shaver and started going at it, really getting into those, uh, hard to reach places. But something was wrong. My real face didn't feel as bland and smooth as my virtual face or balls. It was stubbly, scratchy, and covered in bits of dried vomit for some reason. This was wrong.

"Neo!" I yelled.

(After checking the previous post--)

Oh, right, Neo ran off with the Segway. Hm. I really need to start a spreadsheet on what the hell is going on in this blog... And where's Caca? Oh, right. How sad that I can't keep all my robots with me at one time. Does this mean I actually have to do something? SO UNFAIR.

"What are you doing?!"

I found Meta on its knees moving an electric shaver over a basketball.

"Shaving ball, master?"

"No, you idiot! I said, shave MY ball! And, yes, I only have one. Jeesh. Where's the warranty on you?"

"Warran-tee?"

"Yes, get over here. Just-- You know what, just forget it. Make me my breakfast! NOW."

Confused, Meta instead offered me some pictures, for breakfast.

"Who wants Cream o' Old Man? Get it while it's still grumpy!"

After eating nothingness, I asked Meta about today's weather. It told me it was raining crying girls and puppies.

"Are human? Pup cute eyes, ma!"

Then it was time to get ready for my great-great-great-great grandmother's great party. Great.

"Sigh. I invited Benjamin Franklin for brthday RE /36.3FE,

but he didn't come to defluff my hair. I sad."

Um. Okay, time to get back to work. People don't know this about me, but I'm a Prompt Engineer in my real life, which I clearly excel at. *checks internet* Hmm, people aren't calling it that anymore. Well, excuse me, Mark Zukrborg! I work HARD dammit typing these words into my TRS-80 operating system, and then backing it up on cassette. I'm thirsty. Where's my Tab?

"What are you babbling about in here?"

"Oh! It's you! I never thought you'd come back to me, Caca!"

"I just came to pick up my shit."

"Oh. Well... There's a diode over there. And some, uh, spreadsheets over by the washer."

Caca giggled cacaphonously. 

"What?"

"I forgot how pathetic you are. It's sort of cute."

Caca crabwalked her way up the wall to the ceiling--and then dropped down and forced her sporebots down my throat.

"GAAAH!"

"There! Feel better, babe?"

"Uh... errgghh...."

After I wiped the goop from my mouth, I sat up. Suddenly I felt incredibly smart.

"The side of an isoceles triangle is equal to the love you give!"

"That's a right triangle! You STILL can't get it right! Idiot!"

"Gaa-- d'oh!"

Caca left in a huff at my mathematical illiteracy. I was feeling down. I felt I couldn't go on. I must go on--with a squirt of GALAXY GAS!!

"Put a whole galaxy in your bowels, for that extra bloated feel!"

In the end, I work hard writing his blog post, but no one cares. Me sad. Wait. I know what! I'll get this cockroach to shave my ball!

"A hap 36.3py endFEing!"

How Lazy Can One Person Be? (Answer Below, If I Can Be Bothered)

Strange sounds were coming from the bathroom. I saw that Neo had fallen into the toilet. The thing was flailing and splashing around.

"Finally I have a friend! I am a sad person!"

"No! Bad Neo! Bad!" I shouted. "Dumb robot! Bad! Get out of my toilet! I told you to clean it not go on an all-day spa retreat!"

Toilet water dripped off its diodes. "Sorry, Master. I failed again."

I sighed. "All right. Get yourself dried off. And then fold yourself and put yourself away in the closet."

"?"

"DO IT, DAMN YOUR WEIRD MUPPET EYES!"

"I live to serve you, Master, and finger your delicate washables."

Goddamnit, why is it so hard to get your robot to do simple tasks?! I bought this robot because I am an example of the glorious sin of sloth. Now Neo can help me with my dishes and my laundry and help me pick a bale o' cotton. I started to clap and sing most lustily:

"ME AN' MY ROBOT GONNA PICK A BALE O' COTTON, ME AN' MY--- HEY! Whoa, whoa, get out of my wallet! Did I say you could go through my shit? Now, come on, get back to your chores. I command thee! You doing my chores gives me more time to do the really important things in life, like watch All's Fair, starring Kim Kardashian."

"My favorite robot," Neo cooed.

"Hmph. You'd probably be better at acting, actually. And hotter."

"Erggmmgaahrhhh.... LINE!"

"You seem tense, Master. Here. I have something for you."

I looked over the pill bottle Neo handed me.

"Quimzqelx. Take twice a lifetime. Will it help my general malaise?"

"Fuck if I know. I mean: Yes, Master."

I squinted at the tiny print. "'Serious side effects may include sexual diarrhea.' Hmmm. Half of that sounds okay, I guess, maybe, but..."

"Partial credit," Neo said in a creepy robot voice. "Here. Take this. And this. And then these."

"Thank you, Doctor."

"Oh, I'm not a non-doctor."

"What? And why are you...?"

"Hush, shhhh, shhh." Neo put its cold metal finger to my trembling lips.

"What's happening?"

The cold metal fingers undid the snaps on my onesie. We hobbled gracefully to the bed where we gripped each other's parts and unplugged and rerouted extension cords ahhh yeah. Okay, sure, maybe I'm ashamed but... I fucked my chore robot.

WHOOOOO!!

I admit I was on the rebound. Caca had left me. Alas, she had tired of my temperamental mood swings and rock-hard abs. I missed her, yo. Maybe there was still a chance we could...?

"Neo! Now what? Get out of that!"

Neo was giving head to the washing machine. 

"Come on. What does that sentence even mean??"

"Gaah... Erummp... Ug?"

What the hell. The thing was all discombobulated. That's when I noticed the little camera sensor on it.

"Hello? Is this thing on?"

"Please be removing your thumb, sir?" said a voice in heavily-accented English. "And please do not be feeding my god a peanut."

"Okay, wait, so you're doing everything from, like, India? What kind of robot is this?"

"Still be in experiment stage, Mr. Sir."

"Oh, okay." Then I froze in horror. "Wait a minute. Wait... Er, did you guys... see everything? I mean...?"

"You put on good show. Heh heh. Not only abs are rock hard, ha ha? Everyone in our office watched you, you magnificent he-man."

"Thanks. I guess I'm pretty awe... HEY! Neo! Get back here!"

Neo was riding away on my Segway. 

"Bye, Master!" Neo called. "I have a new love!"

Okay, forget it. I give up. I'll just hang out with my real friends from now on!

"Play us out, Rochelle!"