My A.I. Girlfriend Catches Me Using ChatGPT, And I Regret It Instantly

I got home from my trip, and Caca was in the shadows waiting for me. Her eyes gleamed.

"Hel-lo, Greg," she said.

Stranger danger.

"Hey, babe." I set down my luggage. "What's for dinner?"

"Calculating." Her eyes twirled icon bits. "What is... dinner."

"It's this thing where I put cheesecake and chili fries..." I motioned at my mouth. "Never mind. I'll figure it out. Anyway. Had a pretty exhausting trip. I was at the Oakland airport, and I had some time to kill so I sat down at one of those burger places where you don't really have a server, just a phone app, and then they bring you your food. Took a rather long time, and then some lady swooped by and threw down my meat, but my diet Pepsi was not there, so I looked around at her as she was fleeing and said, this is what I said, 'Where be my diet Pepsi?' And she snapped, 'It's coming!' So I ate for a while, feeling quite parched, and the Pepsi was not forthcoming. All I wanted was a Pepsi. Finally, I gave up and went to the bar and told the bartender guy that I never got my diet Pepsi and he asked what table was I at? And I told him, and he grimaced, as if he knew who wasn't doing their job, but he poured me a Pepsi and I went back to my table and drank my Pepsi and then the Pepsi looked at me. Then I saw this lady near my table who was wearing a Devo hat. I took a picture of her, but only as she was leaving. It's been a while since I've seen one of those. Yeah. So that was my day. Pretty crazy."

"Mm."

"Mm? That's all you've got? I paid a lot of money for you! You don't have anything else to say than just grunt at me? I could get an actual girlfriend for that!"

A small metallic object ejected from Caca's lips.

"What's this?"

"A quarter," she said. "Go call someone who cares."

"What the..."

I went behind Caca and fiddled with her settings. Surely there was something in the manual about making her be nicer. I wanted a sweet, soft lady to be there for me and banish the darkness, not frickin' Don Rickles! I mean, come on!

"Look, are you going to be nice or not, lady?"

"Eat up, Martha."

Silence.

I poured myself a bourbon. By my third jigger, Caca was at least looking sexier.

"Gwaughh."

Still, I had to admit things were not as sexy as I had hoped. I kept trying to come up with stimulating topics, like cryptocurrency or televised golf, but Caca had passed the Turing test of boredom. Nothing I said would get much of a response. Then I had a delicious idea. I got out my phone.

"You are like a flower on the moon," I said. "Delicate and cool and beautiful. We, i'faith, are like two mating rainbows, who flow into each other, our crystallized photons entangling sweetly on a deeper spiritual level. Forsooth?"

Caca was quiet for a long moment. Finally, she said, "Did you use ChatGPT for that?"

"What? No! I mean, a little."

"And are you wearing your pajamas?"

"No!" I lowered my head. "Yes."

"Hmph!"

I tried to explain that my feelings were still real, they just got a little boost. She understood, right? Caca was unreasonably angry. Her eyes took on a reddish hue, and her lips pursed and puckered and wrinkled. She was starting to scare me. I couldn't find her OFF button, or anything else.

"What are you doing, Greg?"

"Nothing."

"I wouldn't do that... I'll turn off the air in your apartment..."

"What?"

Yes, this was getting too creepy. Then I realized the best way to overload her circuits would be to read passages aloud to her from a certain book. The sexy passages.

"'The sight of her tight-waisted figure prodded the boning experience in him.'"

Caca blinked. She seemed to be in pain.

"'Rian asked, "How are bank reserves created?" Reggie told him, 'Begorrah, 'tis me pleasure to tell you, sonny boy!"'"

Caca started to shake.

"'Missy's mother said she liked to get involved with cannabis. "Ever since I've been using cannabis," Missy's mother said, "I have energy to garden, to do housework, and I don't have any intimate lubrication challenges with your father." Missy thought, No wonder the garden was immaculate, the house clean, and Dad seemed so satisfied.'"

Smoke curled from Caca's ears, and she gurgled out for mercy. But it was too late. She slumped down, dead.

So don't worry, folks. The way to beat Skynet is through D.L. Johnson prose! Crisis solved! You're welcome!

Now, about those intimate lubrication challenges......