Tuesday, January 22, 2013


Hey, have you ever played the game BATTLESHIP by Hasbro?

Neither have I! But don't you think it would really be better as a movie? Of course you don't think so!

Today's Movie Minute is BATTLESHIP, so climb aboard the USS Crap, maties, and prepared to be keelhauled with CGI and Turtle from Entourage!! Now, to clear up any confusion, this is NOT a sequel or prequel or remake or reboot of BATTLE TRUCK. Fucking sorry, kids, you'll just have to wait for that golden day to arrive someday... Anyway, our current Hasbro-inspired chef d'oeuvre is about some aliens who invade the earth for some reason ("for some reason" is more than you'll get in the actual movie).

Thankfully, there's a ragtag team of malcontents and ne'er-do-wells and coxcombs who band together against all odds to save the planet, and learn stuff.

As for Rihanna, she tries to visualize the invading aliens as Chris Brown-type cyborg monster sex fiends. But, alas, she learns that one cannot stop a Chris Brown, no matter the caliber of one's automatic weapon or the amount of screaming one does. Time for your beating, baby!

Meanwhile Liam Neeson tries out some new material on his subordinates, using wacky voices, improv, stand-up comedy, impressions, knock-knock jokes, puppets and parody. That Liam. Always the cut-up!

After this much-needed comic relief, we get back to the grim matter of battling aliens who turn out to have spiny goatees and full sets of teeth, for some reason. Also, America and Japan learn to love each other again. Finally!

Meanwhile, Brooklyn Decker impatiently waits for the film to end so her breasts, er, her career can end as well. Very noble of her.

The producers are no doubt planning for a sequel to this floating turd. I would like to suggest some titles, because that's the kind of mensch I am.

  • PT Tom Cruiser: Out of Davy Jones' Locker And Lovin' It!!
  • Death Dinghy
  • Exxon Valdez, The Oilening
  • Battleship Boogaloo 2
  • Beverly Hills Chihuahua 4: How'd These Fucking Dogs Get On A Battleship?!?
  • Liam Neeson Just Wants To Take A Crap In Peace
  • Das Brooklyn Decker's Butt

And so on and so forth etc etc. Anyway, let's get back to another Hasbro product that's far more fun, shall we??

Awwwww, yeah, baby...........