Tuesday, February 26, 2013

What's That Rattle? For The Planet Of The Apes

Today's Movie Minute is the grand climax of our Wagnerian Ape Cycle.

With extreme gratuitousness, BATTLE continues the narrative of the previous movies, with apes having taken over the world. Or, no, humans did, but then they nuked everything and became mutants. And THEN the apes took over. Wait, no. The apes lost but with help from humans who were betraying apes who wanted to interbreed with the humans or wipe them out, uh... oh, and there's Claude Akins, too, struggling to breathe through his mask. Poignantly.

There are a lot of damned dirty apes in this movie. And even a crying statue of an ape that really makes you think. Did I mention I was completely high watching this? My God was I high.

In their effort to battle the damned dirty humans, the apes try to genetically modify a fern to do all their fighting for them. Feed me, Seymour!!

Eventually, the mutant humans come out from their underground city to attack the apes because... you know, those things happen. They bring new meaning to the term "ragtag." (That's Ed Crankshaft at the wheel.)

Meanwhile some of the apes are moonlighting on another movie called Boogie Nights of the Apes.

It all ends in an apocalyptic showdown battle of non-epic proportions. I must say I'm rather disappointed in this movie. Certain promises had been made to me by cheesy posters. No, the scene below did not happen. I repeat: IT DID NOT HAPPEN. But why?? I mean, COME ON. How awesome would this have been?! (Where's my bong?...)

The humans lose the battle, and the war. Serves them right. I guess. But even the apes lose, in a way. The important thing is that everyone learns something--mainly me. I'M DONE. FUCK YOU, PLANET OF THE APES!!

What? You say there are MORE Planet of the Apes movies? Re-reboots...?

Dear God. Haven't I suffered enough?


  1. You still have 14 episodes to go. Unless you're a quitter.

    Apey Planet

  2. Looks like Chico and Son managed to accomplish what Charleton Heston was not able to. ACT.
    (Wait. Did I just type Chico and Son......?)