Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Dragon Dung

Today's movie was initially pitched as a cross between THE PHANTOM MENACE and ATTACK OF THE CLONES. Hell, what could possibly go wrong?? *rolls 20-sided die* FUCK! Slain by an elf AGAIN!

Then again, we are ALL slain by an elf by watching this film. DUNGEONS & DRAGONS concerns a pair of intrepid heroes. One, named OXYMORON, has a +6 axe and -2 intelligence, while the other, ARMWOOD, is a magic cleric with a cloak of bad acting and a case of catarrh +7. They must rescue the princess, and learn stuff along the way while getting the rod of something and the magic scroll of whatever. (D&D was always best played while incredibly high; unfortunately, we never played it that way in seventh grade.)

There is an evil magician alliance which unaccountably does not have Doug Henning as a member. The main bad magician is David Copperfield, er, Jeremys Iron. Taking a break from appearing in SWANN'S WAY, he has learned the French style of acting: subdued and subtle.

His main henchman is a level five paladin with a severe case of Maybelline lip gloss. He often sings under his breath *Maybe Maybelline* Truly chilling.

Also, this man has an ear wax problem.

I'd say he needs a little something called the Waxvac. Amirite, people? *rolls 4-sided die* FUCK. I lose again!

Along with our bland hero, the sidekick is a poor man's Martin Lawrence who is a poor man's Chris Tucker who is a poor man's Frederick Douglass. We've got a lot of poor men in this movie! Namely, the viewer! Though the princess is a very attractive lady, she is white, so "Snails" must fall in love with the only African-American elf--because if there is one thing D&D will not allow in its rules is RACE MIXING.

"Feets, don't fail me now!!"

The plot follows a series of percentile die rolls, along with that spinner from the game of Life. Our hero goes into a dungeon and encounters a dragon... Wait. I get it!

Along the way, they meet esteemed TV critic Dusty Saunders, for no reason. Hey, but that's what the dice told us to do! *rolls percentile dice* FUCK, I... aw who cares.

Between this and Battleship, I think this was the better of the two movies based on a board game. I'm just waiting for that movie about the placemat at Denny's, you know, that one all the people use when they eat at Denny's? COME ON HOLLYWOOD.

Speaking of Denny's, a dwarf barfs.

With all that, this was still much, much better than Lord of the Rings. (And Avatar.)

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