Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Now You See Boredom

Today's science experiment is the visibly awful NOW YOU SEE HIM NOW YOU DON'T, brought to you by the creators of Steamboat Willie and Anti-Semitism. Rather implausibly, the movie is even worse than its title.

Starring dune-buggy and vertical-striped pants enthusiast Kurt Russell, the movie is about a bunch of kids getting up to no good and spreading beer-fueled mayhem and doing their homework on time. Kurt, bored and high, invents a potion that causes bad special effects because SCIENCE.

Mugging enthusiast Joe Flynn takes time out from playing bass for the Lawrence Welk Band to make sure these crazy kids are stopped at all costs. But Kurt is determined to take the starch out of that crusty old dean once and for all.

"Why, I oughta....!"

Kurt hatches an evil plan to fingerbang every chick on the Medfield campus by not having visible fingers! The girls won't know what hit them--literally!

"Aw hellz yeah! Here I come, ladies!!" 

Meanwhile his girlfriend, jealous of all the hot action, sprays Kurt down with the potion and jumps his nonvisible bones in the forest. "I've always wanted an invisible dick in me," she screams in the director's cut of the European version of the deleted scenes. "The lack of visibility sure makes up for your lack of size!" she groans in the bonus deleted extra commentary track director's cut scene.

Soon, Kurt gets jaded from all the invisible forest fucking and turns to litigation, suing LensCrafter. "They were supposed to have my half-glasses ready in about a half-hour!" Kurt cries in anguish.

Soon all the campus is enthralled by O.J. escaping in a White Ford Bronco. Kurt wants to get his invisibility potion to the beleagered hall-of-famer, but how...??

"Go, Juice! Walt would have wanted it this way!"

The movie ends in predictable Walt Disney fashion--with a gratuitous locker room scene because what in God's name is an invisibility potion for otherwise??

"Heh, heh, my adolescent boner is outside the visible spectrum. Hello, LADIES!"

There are two more of these in the series. Could this be another Planet of the Apes--minus the Apes and the Planet? Do I really hate myself this much?? Stay tuned.

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