Tuesday, April 16, 2013


Hey, do you like to watch random bikini-clad chicks get slaughtered by a biogenetically engineered mutant shark/octopus monster? No? Then ask yourself this: What is wrong with you?

In today's Movie Minute we have a James Bond knock-off called "Sharktopussy" about a secret agent who meets a beautiful shark and they have a threesome with an octopus and then have a baby and then the baby looked at me. The father is Eric Roberts, who does his best David Carradine impression by straining to move his face muscles. (He fails.)

After being charmed by his tranny's cute Jackapoo, Roberts hits on the idea to mix the best parts of the octopus (legs and anus) and the shark (teeth and litigation) into one super animal that has a taste for bikini. HELL YEAH

Whenever the movie gets dull (always), the sharktopus just ups and attacks another freely available chick. Heh heh. Great! Nothing better than watching females in bikinis wrestling with throbbing love tentacles and then trying to snuggle later and talk about their feelings to a beak.

Meanwhile the sharktopus lets out a gigantic shart (one of the deadly side effects of genetic engineering and word play), coating the beaches in Mexico for miles around in a black film of octopus fart. But what is the typical American woman wearing a bikini doing? Texting, of course. Sheesh. DIE RANDOM LADY

The best part is when a girl in a bikini finds a pretty seashell and then gets eaten by the sharktopus. Oh man. This is GREAT. How do they come up with this stuff??

For some reason there is a man in this. Yeccch. At least he suffocates under his sombrero while filming an advertisement for Dos Equis. Which is super because, frankly, who wants to see some hot muscley guy get wrapped up and penetrated by throbbing sticky tentacles? (Mmm, well.....)

Stay thirsty, my friends. And don't ever watch this movie.

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