Sometimes, when you’re single, it’s tempting to envy friends who are cozily ensconced in couplehood. But what’s easy to forget when you’re pining for a constant companion is this: Going solo has its own advantages, too. As proof, here are a few perks you should start reveling in right now.
Advantage #1: Death seems sweet
When contemplating death, it doesn't seem so bad. Happy and in love? Chill out by thinking about your rotting face in the grave ha ha.
Advantage #2: Not having to talk and, worse, listen
Let’s be honest: People in relationships can come home and talk about their day to someone who isn't a face drawn on the side of a box. Sure, that might seem great, but what happens when the box talks back?? You can also draw faces on soup cans to get that realistic "3-D" feel that filmmakers seem to like to go for these days. Think of yourself as the James Cameron of Singles! AKA King of the Single Assholes!
Advantage #3: Masturbate whenever you want
Feel that itch? Well, there's the computer, you dip. Start masturbating and FEEL GOOD.
Advantage #4: Giving up
Letting go can be an exquisite feeling, say researchers. Loosen the belt on your bathrobe. Ahhhh. The gut just falls right out! One expert even recommends wearing your crocs in bed.
Advantage #5: The oldest, and best, profession
“When you’re single, you can pursue the life that is most meaningful to you,” explains Bella DePaulo, author of Singlism: What It Is, Why It Matters, and How To Stop It. “Buying a prostitute for a blowie or even the whole enchilada can really help you grow and change in ways that you find most authentic and meaningful; but never pay more than two hundred for a whore. I mean, come on.”
Advantage #6: Apathy is... aw who cares
Worried about global warming? Who cares! Too lazy to clean out your navel? It's stupid anyway! Hate having to lift your arm to reach for something? Don't! Yes, fill your lungs with the liberating joy of not giving a shit! (Just don't exhale on anyone nearby because frankly your breath smells like a komodo dragon fucked by a hobo.)
Advantage #7: Flush flush flush!
There's a shit smear running down the side of your toilet like the tear of a clown. What to do? No worries. You can flush for the next several weeks and really wear that fucker down, because cleaning it directly is, let's face it, a bore.
Advantage #8: Star Wars comics
“I was able to quit my job and stop changing my underwear — even though I still occasionally had human contact from time to time,” points out Eleanore Wells, author of The Spinsterlicious Life: 20 Life Lessons for Living Happily Single and Child-free. “It worked out well, but it was risky… My vagina really started to smell bad. I mean, there's only so many Yankee candles a person can light up there.” So singles, use this time in your life to do all the crazy things you’ve ever dreamed of, because no one cares if you live or die anyway.
Advantage #9: Creating fake profiles on Facebook
It’s a fact: Single people are more devious. They love to pretend to be people they are not. Want to stop being the real you--grossly overweight, missing teeth, sobbing--and become a hunk? All you have to do is find some pictures of friends on your Facebook account (your mom does not count as a friend) and start a new account with that person's pictures! It's like a whole new life, except a lot, lot better!! “I dated a man on and off for several years who was a just a smiling face on Facebook,” says Kerri Zane, author of It Takes All 5: A Single Mom’s Guide to Finding the REAL One. “When we finally met in person I screamed out chunks. Have you ever screamed vomit? It's no fun, I tell you. So I always tell my clients vomit first and then scream. Or scream, and then vomit. It just makes sense.”
Advantage #10: Last (but not least): you still get to have that first kiss
Unfortunately, her mouth is a big O. And there's not much tongue action. But nothing in long-term relationships can hold a candle to the electricity and excitement of that single, magical moment when you're licking a plastic cooch.
So, savor it, singles! Thrust your hand into your sweats, slump on the couch, and watch that marathon of T J Hooker! Who knows, you might even find your true love that way.....