Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Hard (To Understand) Ticket To Hawaii

Today's Movie Minute is so stupendously sublime I watched it TWICE in order to glean all the nuances and subtleties. That movie? What else but HARD TICKET TO HAWAII.

It's about a ticket that's hard, to Hawaii. No, it's about a ticket that's hard to get, to Hawaii. Wait. A ticket from your hard drive, to Hawaii. Eh, who cares. Titties!

When our topless federal agents fail at fighting crime with toplessness, two acting-impaired hunks (informed by a sandwich) come to the rescue. They also take off their shirts, to less dramatic effect. (That's because I'm STRAIGHT. Mmm, but that Ronn Moss is all sorts of delicious...)

Meanwhile, a large snake "contaminated by cancer-infected rats" is loose on the island--and that's NOT a sexual metaphor. Unfortunately.

We learn that people in Hawaii ride their skateboards upside-down and that hamburgers eat people. No wonder it's a hard ticket! (No, I still don't get it.)

Also, a person who throws a Frisbee around is known as a "thrower."

And a person who acts in this film is known as a "moron."

But the movie doesn't disappoint those who have a fetish for seeing fat Hawaiian dudes get hit with ninja stars thrown by Playboy Playmates. Turned on yet? (There's a website for it, check it out!)

Yes, I was very bored too, ladies.

But what's this?!?!? The snake comes up the toilet to wake us all up with a smoke and magic show!!!!

"Just when you thought it was safe to take a big shit," cracks Ronn Moss, who rips off his shirt (mmm) and then throws a razor frisbee at the snake while jumping in midair on his motorcycle while shooting a blow-up doll with a rocket launcher and ordering a salad. That was Andy Sidaris for you--always trying to top Ethan Fromme.

The '80s music was great too!(?) Imagine a Casio played on a Commodore with a pan flute wedged in someone's ass cheeks. Come on. IMAGINE IT

The title song really brings it all home:

It's a hard ticket to Hawaii
It's not paradise all the time
Although it's like a dream,
Things are not what they seem
Especially when a snake in the loo
Ups and bites you in the hoo-hoo... 
(repeat chorus)

Yeah. I don't get the title either. Maybe I should watch it a third time?

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