Reggie emerged from the basement carrying a large stick, with the front of his shirt soaking wet. Panting, wearing rubber gloves and a surgical mask, he came over to me.
"Wuh agh uh," he said.
Reggie pulled off the mask. "So I took care of it."
I noticed the tree branch was also pleasantly moist. "Uh, I am very afraid to ask. So I won't."
"Down in the restroom I found this huge turd stuck in the toilet, about this big around." Reggie helpfully acted out the image of a great gaseous bm stuck in a pipe. "It was just stuck there."
"Hey, you know who would love this story?"
"So I had to get a big stick."
"Sounds like a children's book, actually. I've seen worse."
Carry a Big Stick and Poop Softly: The Reggie Canada Story
"I broke off a branch from outside, and then I..."
"Wait, wait. Don't you have tools or something for that?"
"No, the snake I have is only good for paper clogs. It's no good on a big shit."
"But this one was bad. Really bad. So I swung the stick in there, but it wouldn't move! The damn thing was lodged in there really bad. I hacked and hacked away at it. I thrust the stick and tried these different angles, but the turd just sat there. Finally, I got a running start and I smashed the fucker as hard as I could! It broke in half. Broke like a big brown candle. Or something. Anyway. I got it to flush down."
"An American hero."
Reggie bowed, his poop tree dripping. "The Lord of the Living Lightning thanks you."
"But it could have been worse, I guess."
"How do you mean?"
Next week: Reggie thinks I'm gay.