Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Tardy Slip

Holy crap look at that ass!!

Er, I mean, today's Movie Minute is GIGLI, heh heh. Which is good news for all of us because... uh... I don't know how to finish that sentence.

GIGLI is about a retard

who meets up with a dimwit

and together they take the most dangerous chance of all. By taking a retard hostage, rather retardedly.

Meanwhile there is romance aplenty as Gigli tries to get in the full-bottomed pants of his lesbian accomplice. His retardinous charms are so potent that she finally surrenders. "I guess you're the one that got through," she says in perhaps the greatest line in dialogue history. (It's framed in the Dialogue Museum near Highway 7 and the Burger King.)

"Remember when people were interested in us? Retards!"

After their sweaty, retardy sex, the lesbian tries to teach her retardo lover the alphabet. A.... uh-huh. You got it, 'tardy. Now, B.... Yes, B. Say it after me. Now, A, again.... Uh-huh..... This goes on for two and a half hours. It is by far the BEST PART of the movie. (She fails, however.)

Along the way, they meet a dandy non-retard time-traveler who tries to recruit them for a Shakespeare play. They retardively retort that they are already in GIGLI, DUH, surely as famous if not more so than HAMLET.

By the end, Gigli tries to call his agent to get him out of his terrible, terrible picture. But he's not very bright because he, well, he's retarded.

What? Oh. I've just been informed that using the term retard is offensive. So from now on I'll refer to those challenged with mental disabilities as Afflecks instead.

Man, what an Afflecking Afflecked movie that was...

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