Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Whether 'Tis Nobler Man

Today's Movie Minute contains gratuitous Nicolas Cage. Those with weak stomachs/bladders--turn away!!

Nicolas Cage is... The Weather Man. A man determined to clean up the filth and the scum of the city. Criminals are the cancer, and he's the five-day forecast. You talkin' to me, cloud? But before he can start whupping cold fronts upside their upslope, he first has to get his tags renewed at the DMV.

Then he has to wait at the local Rite Aid to get his prescription filled for stool softener.

"Damnit. What time is it? I forgot my watch...."

Then he has to wait for his daughter's very sad trombone recital to end. *sad trombone sound*

"Don't talk to Daddy, honey. My head is lolling on my neck. LOLLING!"

In order to ratchet up the tension even more, the movie takes place in the mid-aughts. Remember the mid-aughts? Newspapers, clamshell phones, and Michael Caine!

"Steve Coogan does me better."

At wit's end, Cage decides that the weather business is neither fair nor foul (see what I did there?) and decides to enlist his daughter into his archery scheme to shoot arrows at everyone he hates.

"Daddy, this movie makes me want to give up on life."

It's sad, really, because here Cage has use of a green screen but not ONCE does a sharktopus show up. I mean, what's the point??

By the end, Caine has a living funeral and Cage starts to quote some Bob Saget before the power goes out most mercifully. With a son in a pedophile subplot, a daughter overweight and bullied, a wife who hates him, a dad who's dying of lymphoma, it's a wonder that the movie hasn't been made into a Cirque du Soleil theme park fun ride.

"Someone please kill me. Please. Anyone...?"

Maybe I need to watch DRIVE ANGRY to wash away the bitters of this one. Yes?

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