Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Conquest of the Planet of the Apes

Today's Movie Minute is number four in the simian chef d'oeuvres that is Planet of the Apes. Because I've come this far, haven't I?

The year is 1991, after dogs and cats have died from a mysterious virus, and people decide to bring chimps into their homes as pets. Right, because a dangerous, rangy monkey is the perfect substitute for a Jackapoo. I can't tell you how many times I've cuddled on the couch with my toy poodle and thought: Man, I sure wish this was a big hairy gorilla farting on me.

In this alternate future, instead of Nirvana forcing the nation into flannels and surliness, we get Ricardo Montalban(?!?) leading around an ape on a chain. Here he is trying to break up a protest rally against his acting.

It turns out that his little chimp buddy likes to ride "bareback" on a horse, which is weird on too many levels to count. For handing out this subversive literature, they get busted by the Nazis. (Apparently, National Socialism makes a comeback in the Nineties. At least it's not Shields and Yarnell.)

Despite the apes working really hard at stepping and fetching, they never turn out as cute as a chihuahua in a diver suit.

Maybe if the apes moved their mouths more expressively and creepily?

In the end, the apes rebel against tending bars and washing Chevrolet K cars, so they take to the streets and start a heavy metal band. They call themselves Slipknot. FUCK YEAH (That's 3 up front there. No, wait, I think that's 5...)

Studio executives hold an emergency meeting and decide to do one more Ape movie because I haven't suffered enough yet.

The fifth and final installment promises a heavier dosage of sexiness as we'll be getting some bonobo action mixed in with the usual ape/chimp stuff. Apparently, Larry Flynt was involved as producer. I believe it's called COOZE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES. Can't wait!


  1. When you're done with the movies, may I suggest you then check out the short-lived TV show? And then the movie reboots?

  2. C'mon. Ape Lincoln. He freed the squares.