The year is 1991, after dogs and cats have died from a mysterious virus, and people decide to bring chimps into their homes as pets. Right, because a dangerous, rangy monkey is the perfect substitute for a Jackapoo. I can't tell you how many times I've cuddled on the couch with my toy poodle and thought: Man, I sure wish this was a big hairy gorilla farting on me.
In this alternate future, instead of Nirvana forcing the nation into flannels and surliness, we get Ricardo Montalban(?!?) leading around an ape on a chain. Here he is trying to break up a protest rally against his acting.
It turns out that his little chimp buddy likes to ride "bareback" on a horse, which is weird on too many levels to count. For handing out this subversive literature, they get busted by the Nazis. (Apparently, National Socialism makes a comeback in the Nineties. At least it's not Shields and Yarnell.)
Despite the apes working really hard at stepping and fetching, they never turn out as cute as a chihuahua in a diver suit.
Maybe if the apes moved their mouths more expressively and creepily?
In the end, the apes rebel against tending bars and washing Chevrolet K cars, so they take to the streets and start a heavy metal band. They call themselves Slipknot. FUCK YEAH (That's 3 up front there. No, wait, I think that's 5...)
Studio executives hold an emergency meeting and decide to do one more Ape movie because I haven't suffered enough yet.
The fifth and final installment promises a heavier dosage of sexiness as we'll be getting some bonobo action mixed in with the usual ape/chimp stuff. Apparently, Larry Flynt was involved as producer. I believe it's called COOZE OF THE PLANET OF THE APES. Can't wait!
When you're done with the movies, may I suggest you then check out the short-lived TV show? And then the movie reboots?
ReplyDeleteYou really do hate me, don't you?
DeleteC'mon. Ape Lincoln. He freed the squares.
ReplyDelete