"Now that I have an abundance of time on my hands I've been working on a screenplay. My hero is a jive-talkin' robot, of course, but I'm still stuck on a title. Here are some ideas:
- Claude Pan Damic (starring Steven Seagal)
- The TP Deleter
- Sniffles: The Bloodening
- Let's All Try Reading a Book?
- Going Viral, Not the Good Kind
- The Social Distancing Network
- Corona Virus: Stay Thirsty, My Friends
- The Mask (of death), Starring Jim Carrey
- No Sports? But I Bought All These Snacks
What do you think?"
Bingo was hiding under the table, growling and growling.
"Be good, Bing," Mom said. She sighed. "I suppose if I have to die of anything, it might as well be this."
"My jokes?"
"No, the virus."
"Come on, Mom. At least make it until my movie premieres. I'm hoping to get Swoosie Kurtz as the love interest. She works well with robots, I hear. And weird little Italian men."
"Alexa," Mom said, speaking of and to robots, "what's a good time to plant hibiscus?"
"Hm," said Alexa. "A good time for lettuce is dinner time."
"No," Mom shouted, leaning forward. "ALEXA. WHAT. IS. A. GOOD. TIME. TO. PLANT. HIBISCUS?"
"Hm," said Alexa. "Jimmy Walker starred on Good Times. In Season Three, Episode Four he threw a discus. Is that what you're looking for?"
"You're an idiot, Alexa," I yelled.
"Don't talk to her that way. It's rude."
"And I suppose you want me to be polite to your new Dyson Air Purifier?"
Mom loved her gizmos. Along with her new iphone and ipad and icornholer, other unidentifiable tech gadgets were arranged on the cat's scratching post/condo. Alexa was among them, trying to get noticed in the crowd.
"Do you really need all these gadgets?"
Mom was checking her fitbit and Apple watch.
"Mom?"
Mom finally smiled at me, the only human in the room. "Aren't you glad your old mom is so entertaining?"
"I'm not the only one," I muttered.
"What?"
"I said, I'm not the only one!"
"Hm," said Alexa. "To knot a rolly one takes two sailors and a hitch. Do you want more information?"
"Shut up, Alexa!" Mom and I shouted.
Alexa made what sounded like a mouse noise.
Mom then asked me some questions about chess. She was playing the computer on her ipad and she also had a lot of time on her hands.
"Now what's this coupling you should do? I don't see the point."
"Coupling," I said blankly.
"Yes. Coupling, when you move the king and you..."
"Oh, castling! I was afraid it was some new Gwyneth Paltrow rule. By the way, I went to the chess club and I played an eleventh grader. I summarily crushed him, and then we were standing outside as he texted his mom. Our game had ended so fast that he had time to kill, which seems to be a theme. Not thinking, I offered to drive him where he needed to go. He looked at me and said, no offense, but he just met me and didn't feel comfortable getting in my car. My God, I realized I'd become a creepy old man."
"Bing, hush."
"See? Even Bingo knows I'm a creep. Where is he? Never mind. Johnson out." I stood up and went over to Alexa. "Alexa! Will I ever be able to find true love?"
"Hm," said Alexa. "What is this thing you call... love?"
"Wow, what a great idea for my screenplay. My robot will try to learn what love is. And then Steven Seagal will karate chop its RAM. Or something."
"Are you leaving?"
"Yes, Mom. I have a lot of nothing to do."
Just then Bingo fatly exploded from his hiding place and mauled my shins.
"Alexa," I screamed. "SAVE ME!"
I got bit anyway. So much for Skynet helping humanity.
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