Pandamnit

During these difficult times, as the nation is reduced to using family cloth, if you know what I mean, I've been holed up in my bunker with my MREs, my ammo, and my copies of Playgirl magazine. Er, I mean, magazines with girls in them. That's why I wrote that, because girl, you see, is in the title and...

Anyway! Mom needed me to pick her up some Haagen-Dazs Cherry Vanilla stat. I rushed to the store and, surrounded by zombies and morons wearing masks, found the li'l container of bliss.

The one-two punch we all need.

Mom greeted me at the door. "Did you get it?!?"

"I sure did," I said as Bingo savagely attacked me with teeth, claws, and blood squirting from his eyes.

"How is it out there?"

"Better than in here," I said, blocking Bingo with a roundhouse. "But on the way I noticed signs that said AVOID NON-ESSENTIAL TRAVEL."

"Oh! Maybe you shouldn't have come. Oh, no."

"Nah, it's okay, Mom. I mean, if I got stopped I'd just explain that I was going to see my mom for blog material. They'd understand, I'm sure."

An emergency siren went off on Mom's phone. She screamed, the phone flying out of her hands.

"Mom, it's just the announcement of the curfew. Or martial law. It just means we need to overturn the mattress and hunker down behind it with our shotgun."

"Oh, I'm so sick of this. I'm so nervous!"

Mom grabbed her Haagen and frantically dug at it. She paused only to feed Bingo an icy chunk of Dazs.

"Anyway, all these signs got me to thinking, as is my wont. What if I drove up to Erie to see Dad? Some cop might pull me off the highway and ask to see my papers. Then I'd have to explain I was traveling because I'm working on my relationship with my father. With tears brimming, I'd tell the cop that's essential, isn't it? The cop would hesitate. Then in a quavering voice I'd warble, 'Cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon...' The cop would understandably start to sob. And I'd be free to go."

I smiled over at Mom, pleased with my wit, but she had stopped listening. Or hadn't started. She was feeding Mewy chicken nuggets.

"Mewy? Mewy, come on, honey. Greg, can you pick that up?"

Mom pointed at a slimy nugget that Mewy had coughed up.

"I cannot, will not, touch the piece of cat cough that I am not engaged to."

"Don't be an ass."

"Can't help it. This Covid-19 is starting to become a real Catch-22."

Mom looked at me expectantly.

"No, that's it. Just wanted to make that joke."

"Get out."

Bingo's slavering jaws nipped at my ass on my way to the door. I barely made it into the sweet safety of an infected world!

Happy Quarantine, Everyone!!

(I know I'll have a happy one.....)