The Most Miserable

Todd came over. He was wearing a hood. His eyes gleamed like a Sith Lord's.

"I hate my hair," he rasped.

"And the Force?"

"I never thought I'd go bald before I go gray. Last night I shaved part of my head, but my beard trimmer died out of protest."

"I'm sure it's not that bad. Come on, don't be shy."

He let down his hood. His forelock had a Hitler Youth vibe, but other than that, his hair looked terrible.

"Looks great."

Todd narrowed his eyes. He leaned closer to me.

"I'm telling the truth, I swear! My midichlorians are not even that high!"

"Dude, you missed a spot shaving. And your tragus hair has its own beard now. I'm going to get you a t-shirt that says TB 4 LIFE."

"TB?"

"Tragus Bush."

"I'll inform my barber of my iniquity."

"You go to a barber? Why? Just do it yourself with a shaver. And get a mirror for your tragus. One with 300x magnification."

"Be hatin' barbers, huh."

"Hell yes. They suck."

"Are you an anti-barbite?"

"Huh?"

"I guess Shakespeare would never accuse you of being a barbermonger."

"What?"

"Speaking of great writers and their writing, let's dive into page four of GALAXY REVOLT. Shall we?"

"Kane out."

"...so they thought their race was the most miserable." (1-2)

This is something races do quite often. Which is the most miserable race? they ask. Ours? Theirs? So many choices of misery! And what a fun beginning to a novel this is! Who am I talking to?


"...but, they didn't have much time to conjure up this thoughts, since staying alive was the sole purpose of anything." (3-5)

That's very true. The BeeGees were all the rage, and the sole purpose of everything. We didn't know that back in the seventies, however, because we had no time to conjure thoughts. Because of the coke. And the orgies. And the Willie Aames.


"The human planet sounds real bad, but the other planet was even more worse off." (5-8)

Sounds like SEVERAL planets need a Greta Thunberg. Eh? EH??


"...it looked like sometimes the whole planet would disappear, by still, valcanoes, earthquakes and other such catastrophes'." (9-11)

This is the last paragraph of Chapter One. Just as it's important to start with a visual, it's just as important to end in a catastrophes'. The reader's.


"The creatures on that miserable planet, that had to live down in the deep caves, were mostly attacked by earthquakes." (16-19)

New Fox series: WHEN EARTHQUAKES ATTACK, DOWN IN DEEP CAVES


"Sometimes when an earthquake would tremor the ceilings in the caves would tumble down leaving, maybe, a whole family crushed." (19-22)

Oh God oh GOD the earthquake attacked my family! Are they okay, officer? Sorry, it looks like, maybe, they didn't make it. I'm sorry for your, maybe, loss.


"There was one creature, that was just about nine that wasn't so miserable. No one knew why, but they were happy for him..." (23-24)

Great. I hate it when fantasy writers get autobiographical.


Todd came back over, now that it was safe. "Are you done with that crap yet?"

I winked at the reader. "I just might, maybe, be."