A Little Intelligence

How was your Christmas? Was it merry? Mine was. It was MERRY. I laughed, I giggled, I made jolly tralala merry mirth because fuck it that's what we goddamn do at this time of year, people. I also got a neat shirt. A keeper!

(See, the cat is tangled up in the lights
because it is developmentally challenged.)

As a Christmas present to you, the non-existent reader, I give you a Pat episode. The curtain rises on Pat having a hearty laugh about my mom's butt.

"Ha ha ha! But... why? Why would she think that?"

I had been unfondly reminiscing about a Christmas three years ago when Mom was given a roll of toilet paper that said DUMP TRUMP on each sheet, and mild hilarity had broken out. Mom, however, felt humiliated by the gift, and it wasn't until days later that I learned Mom thought it was just political-commentary-free toilet paper and that she was being given a roll of regular toilet paper for Christmas because, you know, her big ass needed it. Thus how she sees the world, and herself.

"Anyway..."

I opened our Latin text, and was about to get our Satyricon on, but Pat wanted to get into another matter.

"Can you adopt me, Gregory?"

"Uh............................... what."

"I mean, I don't want to be a part of anyone's family, I just have to get away from my parents so I can have legal independence and I really need to be independent so I can make my own decisions about where to put my balls. But I have to establish residency in New Mexico first, so I was wondering if I could use your dad's house in Santa Fe as an address so I can prove to the authorities that I have residency there and to show I'm not crazy."

"My dad," I said. "Hm."

"What?"

"I'm not sure about that. In fact, I'm not sure if he'll have that house anymore. It might be Maria's. After the divorce."

"Oh! Could you ask Maria, then?"

"Uh, sure. Anyway..."

"Do you think Maria would want to help me? She doesn't have to even meet me. Maybe just get me a birthday gift to prove I lived there. And maybe if she helped with my bottom surgery, too..."

Pat went on talkin', but I had stopped listenin'. Things were getting more tangled than a retarded kitten's string of lights and sometimes I just wanted to climb deep into a cavern like when I was eleven down in MY HOLE as Grandma would lovingly scream and write a fantasy to get away from it all and maybe even gargle a cock or two.

"'Per-P-Permission G-ran-ted-d, d-dea-r.' said Manshune softly." (1-3)

Verisimilitude is key when it comes to building worlds in a reader's mind. When I asked my mommy if I could play outside, she would always say, Permission granted. At ease, sergeant. Which was funny since I was an NCO 3rd class corporal so the joke was on her.


"Their gargling was very hard to understand if you were a stranger on the planet, sadly enough." (4-7)

Was it sad, though? Maybe they're talking shit about you.


"Sho-grine climbed to upper caverns, moving through small tunnels, using his monkey like hands, and a little intelligence, to feebaly reach his way up to his playmate's cavern, which was on a higher level." (7-13)

Jesus fuck god, if you haven't stopped reading by now you never will.


"'Hi-H Sho-o-grine-ine' replied Cylorn, crawling over to Sho-grine, casually."

"'H-Hi." Sho-grine said flatly. (18-23)

Pretty fucking unbearable tension so far.


Etc.


Will Sho-o-grine-ine get his monkey like hands and feebaly choke out his casual friend, Cylorn? Will Maria adopt Pat? Will Mom dump Trump?? Find out these answers and more next week!!

(Oh, wait, never mind. Star Wars next week. The movie that ripped off GALAXY REVOLT. Still waiting to hear from my lawyers on that one...)