A Magical Day

Todd came over.

"Are you sad that Jonah's gone?" he said.

I nodded, wiping the mist out of my eyes. "Damn global warming," I muttered.

"Aw."

"Though global warming is the reason I've started taking cold showers. I'm doing my part for the environment!"

"You? Mr Apathy himself?"

"Hmm. Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I'm doing it because it's cutting down on my rectal itching. You know, my butt."

"Bro, we're coworkers. Not soulmates. I don't need to hear about your fine ass."

"But it's true. Cold water retains the body's natural oils and viscosity. I used to think it was caused by being, ah, not so clean back there so I'd jam a whole bar of soap in my poop blower."

Todd shouted a laugh. Customers barely reacted--they were used to the sound.

"So glad to be blogging again. And isn't everyone else?" I winked at the audience.

"What?"

"But it's good to laugh again. Remember how Jonah played all those pranks during his last week? Like when he taped up Jan Butter's receipts...

(Moments before he toppled and an ambulance was called LOL)

"Or how he put a masterful piece of ready-made art on Chamber's computer...

(But where is Cindy Scone? And Stephanie Barker? And, uh, Baby Jesus??)

"Not to mention taking away all the DVD holds and putting up a hilarious counterfeit DPL announcement that the library was no longer providing plastic death and now everyone would have to stream all their movies."

"A bit dry," Todd said.

"Then all the funny comments he wrote on various patron accounts, like Justkidding's:

             Patron won't stop calling me and taking advantage of our friendship GJ/CRK     

Or the blocking note on Spencer Tracy's card about him being a malignant clown. Ah, such good times..."

Todd had meanwhile wandered away, but I continued to fondly reminisce to a sleeping patron.

"And then we had our goodbye party for Jonah, complete with a big chocolate cake that had the necessary strained puns.

(For those easily Freudened and Jung at heart!)

"Then came the piece de resistance *said with a heavy French sauce*. My brilliant rendering of the greatest director on the planet:

"Isn't this corrupt? Aren't I betraying the people's trust??"

"Which naturally led to the staff breaking up into discussion groups about the various semiotic hermeneutical meanings of the Christ motif in Neil Breen movies. And so I leave Jonah, and all of us, with the following riddle:

• Why is she writing at an angle?
• Why is she writing in old-lady cursive?
• Why is there nothing else written in her secret journal?
• Why is the day "magical"?
• Why does she keep the journal for thirty years?
• Why is it in her jeans pocket at a poolside barbecue?
• Why does it fall out of her jeans pocket?
• Why does it fall open on that very page of "magic"?
• Why does Neil Brain hurt our breens so bad?

Let's reconbreen here in five million years, once we have artificial intelligence of an inter-dimensional sort, and we'll finally understand. So long, Jonah! MUCH SUCCESS ON YOUR HEGELIAN JOURNEY!!!