"I'm blogging and I feel so ALIVE!"
Todd came over to me. "Dude, calm down. You not getting enough at home?"
"Huh?" I wiped the spittle from my chintle. "Uh, I guess not."
Todd gave me a long, hard stare. "That's a terrible color on you. What are you thinking in the morning when you get dressed?"
"How sexy I am?" I said in a small voice.
"You need to ditch the plastic death shirts. And the collar of that undershirt is frayed. Look. And your tragus is growing a beard, which normally I'd think was hot..."
"So glad to be blogging again."
"Do you have any gray chest hairs?"
"I don't know. I don't usually venture that far down from my face."
"Liar!"
"Liar?"
"Don't pretend you don't know if you have gray hairs or not. Dude, that is so gay. Gay men are always going on..." Todd starts to vamp. "Euwwwuuhh, euwwhh, ohmygod, I have a gray hair! Eww! They look at themselves in the mirror all day long and then pretend they don't and then say they don't have any gray hair 'cause they're afraid of getting old, which is soo gay."
"So I'm gay for pretending, or I'm gay for having gray hair? Sorry, I'm lost."
Jonah came by to interrupt our baffling, homoerotical dialogue. "I'm out of here," he said with a threatening tone. "Gone. See ya."
"All right," I said. "God bless."
"I'm leaving. For good."
"Sure you are," Todd said.
"I call bullshit," I said, expertly quoting The Greasy Strangler with aplomb. "You've been threatening to leave for years."
"Nope. I'm gone. I'm done. I'm going. I'm out the door. That door, right there. That's me heading out. Bye. Gone."
"Uh-huh."
"But, before I leave, I thought I'd do something for the fans. In my last week I'm going on a farewell comedy tour. You see this stapler?" Drops it in the trash. "Stuff like that. Only funnier."
"So you're leaving. But not before bringing us all to the verge of laughter."
"And, look, come look. I did something hilarious to the peephole."
"I don't know if I like the sound of that."
Todd and I went to the back door to examine Jonah's buffoonery. Chambers was also there, because he was.
"See? I reversed the peephole!"
"Right!" Chambers said, nodding vigorously. "Now we'll be able to see if anyone is waiting with a sock filled with pennies when we come in the morning. Well done, old boy."
"Are those reverse vampires out there? Lock up the garlic!"
Jonah smiled triumphantly. "Expect a lot of more of that over the coming week!"
"A bit dry," Todd said. "You're no Deadpool."
Being at the hole, I was the first to spy a former employee sneaking around inside to take Jonah out for a celebratory cheese sandwich. We immediately slapped a yellow card on the young fella. And then another, for good measure.
"No library for you. Banned--one year! (No acting, either.)"
Sharlene interrupted our japing to report that someone was complaining there was a horrible smell coming out of the bathroom downstairs. We all looked at each other.
"Can we use the reverse peephole?" Jonah said eagerly.
"It's coming from the men's bathroom."
"It's probably just bloody poop."
Justron grimaced. "That could be the peak of all smells."
"Won't someone please think of the children? And their noses?"
We all drew lots as to who would have to go see if a body was rotting in a bathroom stall, ha ha. Jonah got the lot.
"Lot? What does that mean?"
"It means you better zip up your sniffer, boy-o," I said. "Now get down there."
"Okay, I'm done. Gone. Through! Uh-uh. Nope. I'm out of here. I'm gone! See me go? That's me going gone! Feet don't fail me now! Here I go! Out! Done! Gone!" Jonah went to the door, and we watched him. His voice faded as he exited. "Bye. I'm through. Done. Gone. Forever. Where's that cheese sandwich..."
We looked at each other.
"I think he really means it."
"No problem," I said. I pushed Justron into a chair. "Now circ, boy. Circ!"
"I thought I was banned?" Justron said with soft befuddlement.
"Shut up and circ, goddamn you!"
Then I went back to doing what the city pays me to do, and do at the very highest level...
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