Sketchy Behavior

Todd stood over me.

"Are you blogging about me? Again?"

"About how you're a level nine vegan? About how you use a bamboo toothbrush with boar bristles and you floss with silk ripped from the anus of a worm--and thus we have to deduct a point from your perfect score? No."

"Veganism is easy. Try going no-plastic sometime."

"Sorry, I'm too busy channeling my inner-Riffel by writing sketches for Saturday Night Live. There's an open call for submissions..."

Todd rocked on his feet, cupping his commando. "I really need to go to the bathroom!"

"Funny you say that since my first sketch is about a guy with an erection problem, sort of the opposite of my dad who's been taking massive amounts of Viagra. This guy, based on my dad, keeps poking his wife with his wood, in the morning, but Josh Brolin saves the day by giving him Tumescide™ and sprays it all over his U.S. Steel."

Todd shook his head. "They would never accept that."

"Sure they would! We live in disgusting times. Remember when you couldn't say things like barbermonger or Dick Tracy on TV? Well, now we can!"

Todd kneaded his crotch. "I really have to go wee-wee."

"When's the last time you watched SNL?"

Todd kneaded his beard. "Is Charles Rocket still on?"

"Role player. Anyway, maybe I could use this stupid place as a sketch? Wouldn't that be delightful?"

"No."

"For instance, enter Beck Bennett who sees that his drawing of a guy, based on his dad, getting his face blown off in a nuclear explosion has been replaced on the library calendar with a fey unicorn by Aidy Bryant...

(CUT TO:

BECK: What the hell? (beat) What happened to my drawing? It was BRUTAL!

AIDY: Sorry. The library is now about unicorns.

BECK: No way! I'm keeping this place punk rock! (vomits on AIDY) Yeaaahhhh!

(CUT TO: the office)

MANAGER played by CHARLES ROCKET's creature's ghost: It's come to my attention that you vomited on your coworker?

BECK: Was that wrong? Because, had I know this place wasn't punk rock, I would not have barfed on her.

MANAGER: You're fired.

(Beat. COW drops from ceiling.)

"Terrible," Todd said.

"I'm thinking maybe I'll stick to writing for Saturday Night Live and drop the whole blog thing. Writing a blog is HARD."

Enter Jonah with a box of books. "Looks like some guy, based on your dad, sent us his self-published book!" Beat. He was beaming.

"Great. I just saw that guy with his new girlfriend last night. They were kissing a lot in front of me."

"Whuh," Justron said. "Why can't people be more like Mary Oliver?"

"Turns out his new lady is an anti-vaxxer and thinks I'm a nine on the enneagram scale."

"And a negative infinity on the vegan scale," Todd said, red and grimacing.

"I'm devising a crepe-based lifestyle," Justron said to no one. "Think of all the things you can put in a crepe. It solves all my problems!"

"I'm calling security to have you escorted out of the building."

Jonah took out one of the books and proceeded to get all street ball over it.

(The rest of us chanting): PUNK ROCK! PUNK ROCK...!!

"Patribibliocide! YEEAAGGGHH!!!"

(The Library. It's FAN-tastic.)

"Crepes suzette... crepes with little sausages... crepes over easy..."

"Looks like you haven't given up hope, Jonah. You're an inspiration to us all."

"...crepes ala mode.... crepes enchilada... crepes stuffed with crepes wrapped in crepe..."

Todd let out a bestial roar that reverberated throughout the library. He ran to the staff restroom and released a flood of pure level nine fluid.

We listened to Todd's moans. "Now that's punk rock."

AIDY: You guys suck.