Just Justron

"Justron? Step into my office, please."

"Gregorio," Justron said sleepily.

It was his last day and it was up to me to do the exit interview since no one else would do it and I needed a humorous format for my blog post.

"No sleep again?" I said, bringing the tips of my fingers together.

"Not much. Those darn zombies keep popping up."

"Right. Zombies. I have this image of you spending your free time eating an assortment of crepes while playing video games and dipping into Mary Oliver. Am I correct?"

Justron smiled dreamily. "Yes."

"Very good." I checked off a box on my form. "Now, you are leaving to take a job as a supply tech at a hospital. It's incumbent upon me to ask about your dreams."

"Dream dreams? Or goal dreams?"

"Both."

"My dream dreams are mundane. I dream about being at work or school most of the time. Though I did have a dream about tying my shoe once. It was untied."

"Ah."

"As for my goal dreams, I have small ones and big ones."

"Small ones?"

"Yes, for my week off between jobs I'm thinking of getting a room at the airport hotel. It's like a vacation where I'm away, but not too far away."

"So you doing a Graham Greene and flying off to Bermuda is off the table, then. Broomfield seems to be, too." I crossed off several items on my form.

"Nope. Just a nice room to myself. And lots of alcohol."

"That's not a vacation. That's a bender." I shook my head and checked another box.

"And I was going to catch up watching some movies."

"Now I'm getting disturbed."

"Maybe Breaking the Waves. It's an Ernest movie, I think. Or at least that's what Jonah tells me."

"Don't listen to him. He seems to think this place is a beach resort."

"GET TO WORK IN THERE!" I roared.

"Get bent," Jonah said, between slurps.

"Anyway..." I regained my composure. (Just another day screaming at the enlisted men until I'm hoarse.) "At least you'll be getting caught up on your sleep, being drunk and all."

"I haven't been sleeping well, I admit. I have this thing that the more sleep deprived I get the more Libertarian I become. Mainly to argue with Jonah. When I've had like five hours of sleep I tell him I think we should have zero taxes and privatize everything. When I've had four hours I tell him Obama is from Africa and wants to steal my luggage. Three hours I'm in a hood marching down the street with a torch. At two hours I'm a concentration camp guard. But at eight hours I think universal health care is a good thing."

"Uh-huh." I looked over my non-existent form. "Actually, I forgot to ask about your big dream. Do you have one?"

"I hope to run an animal sanctuary," Justron said with all evident seriousness. "And maybe I'll have a horse so I can ride it to work someday. And I'll have a lot of money."

"Have you ever ridden a horse?"

"No. But I hear they're great."

"They are not. [Here I tell the story about my gas attack as a kid riding a horse in the mountains, rolling around in the weeds, farting away like a giant bladder, a veritable farting maniac, and how impressed our girl guide was with my gas, and my farting. REDACTED.] Horses are mean, stupid animals."

We took a break to enjoy some pie as a going-away delicacy. Justron then proceeded to slice the pie in unequal portions, explaining that it had something to do with John Kenneth Galbraith.

"Huh?" Jonah said.

"Just eat your damn pie."

"I prefer Keynesian pie, myself."

"Okay, let's get back to our interview," I said. "Would you like to sum up your experience at the library, and warn any possible future recruits?"

"Everything I needed to say is on the whiteboard."

"Jesus. He's so gushy. Kind of embarrassing..."

I released my prey and felt he would do well in the world. Especially after I saw his graduation photo.

HERE I COME, WORLD!! 

And then Justron walked off into the sunset--the sunset being the direction of the new airport hotel where he was going to drink himself unconscious. I wiped away a tear.