Ben and Ordure

Jeff came into the library with his tombstone grin. He had big news. He was preparing to have a Hollywood producer read his new screenplay, Causo y Effecto. But for a price.

"How much?"

"A hundred thousand dollars."

I stared at him. "You're kidding."

"Nope. And I just might do it. He's a really big producer. I can't tell you his name. But he's big. He's huge." Jeff extended his arms and grinned. Then he nodded, tapped the counter, looked around. "Well," he said, "that's it."

"All right."

He started to leave. Then he pivoted back. "Oh, and another thing. Did you know we all have four percent Neanderthal genes in us? It was in a New York Times story. Pretty wild stuff, huh?"

I grunted, Cro-Magnonily.

"Well, that's it." Jeff tapped on the counter. "That's all. Yep." He started to lean back, started to turn... turn... I held my breath... no, he turned back again. "Oh! I have to tell you about June 26 next year. Have you heard?"

"What, an asteroid? A harmonic convergence? Billy Joel's execution...?"

"TOP GUN TWO," Jeff said. He grinned giant splotchy horse teeth. "It's amazing! Did you see the trailer? It's the sequel to the best movie of all time!"

"No," I said, finally pushing back. "The best movie of all time is *checks blog schedule for bad movies* BEN AND ARTHUR. A homoerotic movie like TOP GUN, but done right."

"Huh?"

"Today's Movie Minute is a masterpiece about two naked gay men who are married. Wait, who want to get married. Ben leaves his wife of forty years so he can be with a younger, hotter, dumber man. Ben, in case you are not wondering, is Tom Cruise Hot.

Smoldering, smoldering... nope, too far. Turn down to gentle broil.

The lovers buy a hard ticket to Hawaii where the courts have ruled they can marry, but then a certain man gets in the way of the proceedings.

Looks like someone sinned by not taking art class.

Arthur has a brother who's not down with the pound town difficult brown town. In fact, he refuses to let his gay brother be gay. Being festive is fine, but not gay damnit.

Wait--this scene isn't working. What? We don't 

have time to reshoot or make it coherent? Enh.

Meanwhile Ben has his own problems as his wife keeps showing up wanting to run lines together. But Ben hates acting, and refuses to do any (or so is my theory).

Just speak normally! Why are you shouting? And stop calling me King Lear!

Things get desperate as Arthur (of Ben and Arthur) has to do a strip tease for an evil gay man who hates interior decorating (or so is my fear).

You want me to sound that disco ball? Okay!
So long as I can pay for acting lessons!

The lovers are so harried by homophobic Christians that even after living together for seven years they still haven't had their first kiss. They sneak away behind a dumpster and, uh, consummate their forbidden love.

Awww yeah, that's what we're here for... Ladies?

Right after their first kiss Ben explains that he's not so sure about this whole being gay thing and moves out of their shared bedroom just as they were about to get the knot tied by a priest on hand! There are a lot of things wrong with that sentence.

Look, I learned how to whistle and I want to see other people.

Arthur reacts by burning it all down. Burning the whole damn thing down--the cardboard, the children's paint, the other cardboard. All of it!

Oh, snap! Looks like the work of a flamer!

In the end, the brother shoots Arthur in the face and there's so much blood and... Jeff? Where did Jeff go?" I looked around, still holding up the blown-up cardboard stills from the movie. "Oh well, his loss. And YOUR gain, dear reader."

"Oh, one more thing," Jeff said, coming back. "One more thing...!"

I fled.