Unforseeably Previsted

It's time to open the dance floor for questions. I can't promise that I'll answer them with less sass than sincerity but suck it.

"Why are you an idiot?"

"Next question."

"Why do you wear so many belts?"

"What?"

Todd came forward, plucked a tragus hair from my innocent ear, yelled "Got it!" and ran off.

"That wasn't a question!"

"Did you meet any pulchritudinous ladies in Brasil?"

"I did. But it turned out they had strange noises coming out of their mouths, and my powers of seduction were hampered if not dampened deeply. I'm not the type to do the lambada, gold chains swinging, cologne mixed with sweat rolling off my hairy gut. Though this didn't stop me from trying, however."

The forbidden dance. Very, very forbidden.

"Once I got the floor to myself, I did my signature Crucified Twerk dance. (Signature pending.)"

(Child hurrying away: "Mommy, I'm scared.")

"How was your trip back?"

"Strange question, but I'll allow it. I got to the airport forty-two hours early, and therefore had some time to kill. I was so early, in fact, that I checked the American Airlines departure board and there was nothing except a row of

PREVISTA

PREVISTA

PREVISTA

PREVISTA...

I checked Google for the English and got: UNFORESEEN. Uh... I really didn't want my trip to be a surprise, but when the plane showed up I had a good cry. Back home I found myself locked out of my apartment. It turned out the super had put in new low-flow toilets in my place and then changed the locks. Even the locks were low-flow."

"I don't like the sound of that. What's going on at the library?"

"Mm, mmgh, Justron is leaving us and in honor of his unforeseen departure we're eating non-vegan donuts. Todd thought Hilarity, as a vegan, should have bought ecologically-correct donuts. It was her first failure in her First Hundred Days in office. Many more to come?"

"Can customers bring their service animals to the library?"

"Ooh! Can I answer this one? Yes, they can! So long as the animal provides a service. The point was made that someone had a small dog in a backpack, with its little face poking out. But as long as the dog was licking the customer's dandruff, or someone else's, then a service was indeed being provided. A sexy service."

"When is Jeff going to do the forbidden lunch with Karen?"

"He informed me that maybe she didn't want to respond to his emails since he had tried to kiss her during a Lambada-themed program. He claimed he simply wanted to show how the Latins kiss as a greeting--but Karen had done her best impression of a Mexican jumping bean."

"And what's going on with your mom?"

"Lately she's been apologizing to her dryer. She slammed the door too hard the other day, and she admitted to me that she said sorry to it. Still waiting to hear if the dryer has accepted her apology."

"Pat?"

"He needs two therapists to sign off on him getting his bottom surgery and where to have his balls attached. But see Andy for more details."

"Dad?"

"Just moved into a new house with his girlfriend. Are you sitting down for this one? Wait, I asked that out of sequence."

"What's going on with Andy's dad?"

"Looks like that's all the time we have today! Back to practicing my dance moves."