Do or Dial It In

I went to the dermatologist yesterday and they sprayed liquid nitrogen on my scalp mole because I'm always looking for the next kinky experience. It turned out to be less kinky and more super cold--the PA told me it was like having an ice cream headache but without all that gross ice cream. Which leads us to today's Movie Minute, a movie that will freeze all thinking processes and without ice cream--unless you count gorgeous, jiggling scoops of ice cream made of silicone. Mmmm, jiggling silicone ice cream scoops.

DO OR DIE is about Mr Miyagi being a bad guy who makes the ladies of L.E.T.H.A.L. (Ladies Erogenous Tops of Hindenburg Awesomeness and Labored) do, uh, something or they will, er, die. The title is sort of like a fortune cookie message. *breaks cookie, pulls out piece of paper* "Do or Die. Huh! Good advice, Oriental Man!"

"Wax on, wax off. Yeah, that's it. Awwww yeah...."

It turns that Mr Miyagi is smuggling Colgate toothpaste contraband, and it's up to the Tartar Control Team to stop him!

"Fuck you, tartar. You hear me? FUCK YOU"

Our two Swank ladies (May '80, Sept '79) throw some karate punches in an attempt to distract their enemies from, uh, other matters.

"Stand back, or I swear I'll puncture one of these!"

In fact, as I spent several hours over several days and nights studying the film, I noticed an interesting trend. But what was it... exactly?

"Have mercy, I beg you!" says the shirt.

The women are FBI secret agents with numerous kills and arrests to their credit, but there was some other indefinable quality about them that was hard to pinpoint...

"Don't worry, the bad guys are in here somewhere."

"In the phone?"

"No, silly! In the hot tub!"

"Story checks out."

Then the answer hit me like a dirigible slamming into a statue of Jan Smithers made of gelatinous pudding.

"I can't get my top to close more than this! Oh well...."

But it vanished again. Perhaps we'll never know the answer? Anyway, there are dudes in this movie, too, for some inexplicable reason. 

"Do it or... eye. Wait. Line!"

Thankfully, the camera would drift over to where the real action was. (Wait, is that Jan Smithers in the pink top?? RIFFEL?!?!)

"Jesus, what's going on over there? Are those 

midgets trying to escape?? Sorry, little people."

The movie ends with various people getting their teeth blown clear out of their mouths. Fuck, I guess that's one way to get the clean, refreshing feel of Colgate wisdom!