He was a slope-shaggered old bandicoot with weird nostril hair and holocausty teeth. I had just informed the gentleman his hold--Digital Media for Dummies--was no longer available. Probably for the best.
"Yeah," I said. "Did you want to re-order it?"
"Aaaacchh," he said, waving a livered hand at me. He toddled away.
At the other desk Jonah was engaged in quiet contemplation and scholarship.
"So," I said. "Did you hear that old guy?"
Jonah looked up. Frowned. Went back to QC & S.
"Anyway," I said. "Sure quiet around here these days."
Silence.
"Yep." I drummed on my desk. "Just saw the doctor. When he found out I was going to Brazil he scheduled shots for rubella, farmer's rickets, and cat scratch fever. Got 'em all right here." I patted my shapely trapezius. "Lot of shots."
A tiny feather fluttered down. Jonah snatched it and slammed it in his Hegel, thereby killing it.
Emily Caplan, an elderly toadistic Russian lady, came to the desk to tell us about the diaper she had tried on, for comfort. But it turned out she didn't like it. Too binding, and she didn't like the look as she turned before the mirror.
"Whew, we still get our crazies," I said.
"I'm still here," Emily said.
"Oop."
She went off to the diaper section. Quiet again. I tapped my pen. Clucked my tongue.
"Yep," I said.
Jonah scowled at a man blasting bagpipe music on his headphones on his way to the diaper section.
"So. Anyway. I've been thinking about blog names for some of my new coworkers, so I can make fun of them without mercy."
"Mm."
"I'm thinking of calling the new boss Hilarity. Get it? She laughs a lot."
"Too much."
"She was just telling me a house near here sold for 14 million. It's like Beverly Hills around here. In fact, maybe we can start that soap opera I've always dreamed of annoying everyone with?"
"If you're making a Luke Perry reference, too soon. I mean: too late."
"I think we have all the elements. There's me, the rugged solipsist. There's you, the dyspeptic lapsarian. And Todd, the roustabout vegan."
"And there's the cancellation. Don't forget that."
"There's new characters too now. We have Chambers, a name so obscure that it continues to elude the greatest minds of our generation. And there's Soundsgood, of course, and Justron--"
"Justron is leaving. His last day is in two weeks."
"What?! No. Nooo."
"Sorry."
"So then he's off to Bermuda to become a poet like Mary Oliver?"
"If by Bermuda you mean a local accounting firm, and by Mary Oliver you mean car-racing video games, then..... yes."
"Where is he? I wanted to brag to him about going to the Nuggets game and being miserable."
"How is that bragging?"
"It's a humble-brag. But in reverse."
"Okay, on the count of three: rush him!"
Our other new librarian passed by the desk. For a moment I couldn't remember her name.
"What about her?" Jonah said.
"Her?"
"Her?"
"Yes. Her. What name are you going to give her?"
"Not sure. Funny story. I interviewed her last year, and then when we did interviews a few months ago Hilarity asked me if I remembered her. She told me her name, and even showed me her picture, but I told her I didn't think I had interviewed her. In fact, I was certain I had not. Didn't recognize her at all. But actually I had, I just had no memory of it."
"The point?"
"Probably none. But let's call her... Sharlene. There. We now have a delightful new cast of characters for the new season of Ruby Creek 80210. Ten o'clock Eastern, none o'clock Central."
Justron came rushing in.
"What did I miss?"
Jonah and I turned to the camera.
"That'sa Justron!"
Applause. Credits. Lights grow dim. I'm alone, at the desk, in my sad spot of light.
"Fuck," I whispered.
NEXT WEEK: Episode One of Luke Perry's Madcap Funeral
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