BIG T IS THE GREATEST

"Am I going to be in your blog today?" Todd said.

"Probably not," I said.

"Why not? Come on! People need to read about the Big T!"

"You know that Todd isn't really your name, right?"

"So what are you going to write about, then? Not another boring bad movie?"

"No, just the boring bad movie of my own life. I was thinking of writing a rambling post that includes various topics. Like Pat who..."

"Pat? Barf."

"Well, if you get mugged outside a clinic then you can be in the web log--or 'blog'--too."

"What if I do something crazy? Like pick up this chair. I'll pick up this chair... and... and I'll throw it! Oh, there's that fucker Jeff. I'll throw this chair at him! Will that make the blog?"

While Todd slowly picked up a chair with his beard-strength, I started to type a necessary update about Pat.

"I got mugged outside a clinic," Pat said.

He was making me soup during our Latin lesson, with cans of beans and festive corn fresh from his bed piled on the counter so I could see all the ingredients. It was like he was Guy Fieri but with a penis.

"I was using a wheelchair in case I got a seizure. After my checkup I decided to wheel myself out. It was either that or carry the wheelchair, so I thought why not, I'll just ride it. So I was coming out of the clinic and some guy ran up behind me and pushed me over. Just shoved me hard. And the wheelchair toppled over and I tumbled out. I popped back up and assumed the Bleating Jackdaw. When the guy saw that he just tore off. He probably thought I was going to be an easy target."

"People probably thought the whole thing was an episode of Punk'd."

"I added some cilantro in the soup, and did a vichyssoise reduction with florets of caramelized petit mignon and camel balls."

I slurped up a hearty spoonful of ball. "Mm-mm! We'll get to conjugating later..."

"So when are you going to Brazil?"

"Pretty soon. It's a pretty dangerous country, I hear. Apparently as soon as I step off the airplane I'll be swarmed by favela zombies and hacked to death by machete-wielding anacondas. But no worries. I have a secret weapon."

"Common sense?"

"No, gum. Jeff at the library has advised me to give out gum to everyone in Brazil. Foreigners just crave our gum, according the Jeff. He was just in Iceland and the bellhops and cabbies looved it when he tipped them in gum. So I'll be throwing sticks right and left."

Pat paused in slurping his soup. "Wait. Isn't Jeff the guy Todd wants to kill with a chair?"

"Yes. But he'll probably wind up hitting Justron instead by accident. And he better hurry up since Justron just graduated and now he's just leaving us."

"You should put up some pictures so we can all laugh at Justron."

"That's a great idea!"

 "Go forth, young Padawan, and bother us no more."

"Goody. A book. Don't they know I'll never read a book

ever never again now that I'm all graduated?"

 "Watch out for the matriculation attack!"

A chair flew by--just missing Justron.

"Damnit!" Todd said. "But do I still make the blog?"

I thought a moment. "No. Only knockouts count."

"Okay, how about this. We can talk about who should go and who should stay among the staff here. You start."

"Oops..." *looks at blog post length* "Looks like we're out of comedy. Next week: THE SWARM, starring Michael Caine!"

A swarm of chairs came my way.