The Bees of Brazil

Today I am in Sao Paulo, but why talk about that when we can all revel in another bad movie?? *internet groans* Huh! The internet can groan now. Good for it!

Our Movie Minute is THE SWARM, a movie that drones on and on about a swarm of faces trying to get some buzz going about careers as dead as... uh... honeycomb. The rapper, not the cereal.

*squints* Charles Nelson Reilly? Pass.

Michael "Sugar" Caine stars as a buggery expert (I think I have that right) and does his best to show Nic Cage the way to stardom.

"She was only fifteen years old! Then BLOW

THE BLOODY DOORS OFF, DO YOU HEAR ME?!"

The bees are coming to kill us all and it's up to us to keep our faces as straight as possible. It turns out the bees are African, and they are invading our communities.

Plymouth Rock didn't land on African bees,

African bees landed on some old junky van!

Solid citizens everywhere are terrified by the African bees glued to their windows. And they're not even washing them, or tipping their tiny bee caps!

"Nooo! I left my clothes on the line! Also, bees!"

Michael Caine rushes to the war zone where he calms a young WASP who was touched by an African. African bee. Sorry, it's important I add the bee part.

"Now just relax as this giant bee gently inserts its
ovipositor into your anus. You might feel a slight tugging at first..."

Thankfully, Michael Caine isn't our only hero. There's an old, limp-legged scientist who must invent an antidote before we all get jungle... Aw hell. Look at him! He's just clowning around!

"Ladies and gentlemen, America's
legendary actor: Hank Fonda."

A military general guy does lots of shouty acting with Michael Caine, not realizing he's shouting with the best. Stinging from defeat, he decides the best way to combat the pernicious pollinators is to burn the motherfucker down. Because--little known fact--bees hate fire.

"Are we not men? We are bee-vo!"

In the end, Richard Chamberlain rushes in to show everyone how many bees were glued to his acting. Answer: a lot.

"Aiieee!! The bees! They're getting in my mouth! 

Why am I screaming with such an open big mouth??"

Everyone here is giving me a weird look. Wait, I just remembered: I forgot to bring my American gum!

Damnit, now I'm going to have to go back and get some....