Jeff was talking to me at the circulation desk.
Todd came over. "Excuse me," he said, holding up a gloved hand like Parisian traffic cop. "Greg? You're wanted in the back."
"Oh, okay. Just a minute, Jeff."
"Sure, sure." Taking a step back, Jeff inhaled, chest out, head to one side, yellow teeth tombstones.
I went into the back, where Todd was grinning. "Let's see how long that fucker stands out there waiting for you. What a tool."
"Great. This should be fun."
Through the window Todd and I watched Jeff stand. Moments passed. And then more.
"He won't go away!"
"Yeah. He just got back from Iceland. Plenty to talk about."
"Barf." Todd rubbed at his neck. "Ugh. [My partner] was really giving it to me this morning. He was gagging me, right up to the base, and the fucker held me down so hard he hurt my neck!"
"Uh..."
"It tasted good, at least. Later we tried a little powerballing..."
After I sprinted back to the desk, Jeff animated like the princess in a video game.
"Hey, so I was in Reykjavik and hitchhiked to this little town that had these incredible heated pools, all the pools are heated there, did you know that? And did I tell you about the chocolate I bought there, which is great for the immune system, it's amazing, and the guy there, the guy running the store, he had a story about Bobby Fischer, I told you that? Anyway, it was amazing, I was..."
Justron came over. "Greg? You're needed in the back."
"Excuse me, Jeff. One moment."
"Sure, sure." Chest out, yellow tombstones.
In the workroom, Chambers was watching COOKIES AND TARTS on the YouTube. He was not happy.
"Thanks for getting me away from Jeff," I said.
"I don't like this," Chambers said. He motioned at the YouTube. "What's the point?"
"The point of COOKIES AND TARTS? Um, it's how a mercantile system, rigorously applied, inevitably leads to sex with law enforcement. I wrote a paper on it, in fact..."
"No, I mean what's the point. It's all setting. Nothing happens. Maybe the husband should be one of the customers, and he finds out the whole scheme. Something like that. At least it's something."
"That's not bad. Of the hundreds of times I've seen Riffel's mastershite, I never thought it actually possible to improve it on this material plane of existence. Thanks. Now... aren't you glad you're now part of this blog?"
"Get me out."
Back at the desk, Jeff resumed regaling. He told me about meeting a guy who owned ten trucks and lived part of the year in Finland.
"He was a hoot, that guy. Just amazing. And then did I tell you about the heated pool Bobby Fischer played chess in? He was amazing in how he..."
Jonah came over. "Greg? Back."
"Jeff?"
"Sure, sure." Chest, tomb.
I went into the workroom where Jonah was also on the YouTube. Chambers and Justron stood on either side of him.
"Thanks for getting me away from Jeff," I said. "The blowhard was blowing a bit too hard."
Todd looked around. "What?"
"Didn't you call me back here so I could get away from Jeff?"
"Pfff. No," Jonah said. "We wanted your opinion on something. I'm about to hit the dislike button on all of Justkidding's YouTube videos."
"Come on, do it!" Todd said.
"You shouldn't," Justron said. "WWMO do?"
Jonah scowled at Justron. "Why don't you get that tattooed on your Jew nose?"
"Ha ha," Justron said.
"So, wait, you didn't call me back here as a ruse to extricate me from Jeff--but instead to help you in an absurd moral quandary?"
Holding his neck, Todd pushed Jonah and Justron aside to hit DISLIKE on all the videos. The videos now had 9 views, 4 likes, and... 1 dislike each.
"Don't forget to dislike COOKIES AND TARTS," Chambers said, quietly sobbing. "Don't in the name of God forget."
I went back to the desk. Jeff was still there.
"I emailed Karen yesterday. So we could go out for lunch. But she hasn't responded. Do you think she's just playing hard to get?"
"Yes. Very hard. Very."
"I'd like to get with her. She's an amazing lady. You know, I met some nice Iceland ladies, if you know what I mean." Some of Jeff's eyebrow hairs wiggled. "But Karen..." He made a kissing sound around his tombstones. "Mmmwah! She's a peach!"
"Just a minute. I think, uh, someone is calling me."
"No. There's no one."
"Isn't there? Just a minute."
I retreated to the workroom. Everyone was gone. Clerk, clelver, shelver... all gone. I kept walking, and went out the building. Through the parking lot. Behind me I heard Jeff yell. I ran.
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