Tutor's Labor Lost

My niece, Toots, was in considerable pain. She was having to listen to me talk.

"Why do you think Shakespeare is so famous?" I said, glad that someone was finally forced to listen to me. "And why do we still read his works hundreds of years later?"

"I don't know. I hate Shakespeare."

"As do we all!"

I was tutoring Toots for her ACT writing essay. She wanted to get a fabulous score so she could tell Felicity Huffman to go suck it, or something to that effect. In the middle of my diatribe, I decided to take out my new braces so I could get shouty without restraint.

"Eww," said Toots.

Tusks of saliva stretched from my mouth. I put the denture plates in my pouch.

"Anyway, it wasn't just what he was saying, it was how--"

"You still have a little..." Toots tapped at her chin.

I sponged up my tooth-drool and launched into a lecture about Elizabethan drama, but Toots wanted to steer the talk into how Nana had fallen into an elevator shaft.

"Forsooth," I lisped. "I mean, there's no way that's possible. An elevator shaft? She'd be dead. I think you've got the story wrong. Anyway, let's get back to your essay. Now, when you talk about the issue of globalization, firstly you have to spell globalization, and then..."

"I thought I wrote a good essay!"

"Yes, it's good. But it could be... better. If you want a good score you have to write something that the ACT prep guide describes as groin-grabbingly good. In fact, Shakespeare believed in going for the groin whenever he--"

"But I used the word integrable!"

"Mm, yes. Let's try not to emulate your grandfather when it comes to writing. Anyway--"

"Are you excited about Brazil?"

I looked over her essay, and nodded. "Yes, you used Brazil as a good example. See, those are the sorts of things you need to include. Bring in good details that support your argument, and all that horseshit. Anyway, in Shakespeare's case, as I was saying..."

"I meant Brazil as in our trip this summer. In real life?"

"Oh. Real life. Sure. Anyway--"

"Be careful when you go. It's dangerous there. You don't want to go around by yourself."

"I'll steer clear of the favelas. Anyway--"

"My aunt set an ATM on fire in Brazil."

"What?"

"Yes, she was trying to get money out of it, and some guys and her blew it up and then it caught fire. She got 3000 reals while they got the rest. But now she's in jail."

"Okay. Um.... Where were we?"

"It's funny how both of my grandmas fell and broke their faces," Toots said with a big smile. She popped another milk chocolate raisin. "Hee, hee."

"Hm, that is funny, I suppose. Maybe it's like the EPR paradox, two particles on the opposite ends of the universe doing the same thing. Or the opposite thing. Who can say when it comes to wacky riddles of the universe. In fact, it was Shakespeare who--"

"Do you think Grandpa and Nana are going to get divorced? Nana doesn't like my prom dress. My dad is wacky. I like my little cat."

I closed the ACT Prep book. "Okay, I can see you're not very interested in working on more of this today. You want a good score, don't you?"

"Yes, uncle."

"Good. And do you think you've been learning in our sessions? Have I been a help, at least a little?"

"Yes, uncle."

"Very good. Okay, well, that's it for now. And I'm sure the people falling into elevator shafts and setting ATMs on fire will be okay, too. All's well that ends well, right?"

Toots yawned. "So you say."

"So says Shakespeare!"

"Who's that?"

SIGH.