Game of Bros

And, lo, the dark kingdom of Ruby Creek was riven by brooding ponderous intrigue with whoreson dogs rumbling rumors on feckless and nonesuch matter. Gregoire Oxymoron, he of doughty armwood, was of the Clark People and was brave and big of heart. He also dressed quite poorly. Then, also of the Clark People, there was the Bearded One, Toddveig of Straight Edge, he of loud laugh and stout chest. Gossip filled the dusty air like orc's breath as Ruby Creek had lost their once and future Karen and now needed to joust to discover their new King Lord. Or Queen *snaps fingers*

"Tell me the news, O Lead Clarkson," said Toddveig. "Or die."

"Ah... er..." I picked lint off my polyester-blend tunic. "Um... prestad ... sevig thu uan..."

Toddveig crossed his arms. "You don't know Elvish, fucker, so don't even try."

"Right. Anyway, we're in the process of helping Her Ladyship Queen Drusilla make the choice for our new liege lord, but I don't know all the dark secrets yet."

Todd looked at me with ravensclaw visage. "Are you using the royal we?"

"We would never."

"Okay, bro, but seriously, who is entering the lists for the competition?"

I shrugged. "Probably... a variety of people. Maybe a hobbit or two. Haven't seen all the parchments yet."

Just then, riding on a proud steed, came Soundsgood, our goodly sounding librarian. He released his long locks and shook them out in slow motion for some reason. Then with a gracious salute to one and all, he dismounted.

"I just came from Aaagaaarrd," he said with an affected accent. "And I learned that our goodly Lady Iris has sallied her claim to the throne of Ruby Creek Kingdom."

"WHAAAAT," said Todd, cleaving the dewey air with mighty war cry.

He came after me--though I had hied myself to the vale of Dropped Books.

"Bro!" said he. "I see you!"

"Me?" said me, tweely.

"Why didn't you tell me Lady Iris was part of the jousting pool?"

"Jousting pool? Is that what we're calling it? It's just... ah... er... oeru txoa livu...?"

"Liar! And don't speak Na'vi to get out of this. Why didn't you tell me?"

"I was going to tell you, but I just didn't want to get in trouble with... *shudder*... Queen Drusilla."

"You could have trusted me! I thought we were bros!"

"Sorry, brah."

"And what about Sir Jonahson?"

"Sir Jonahson...?"

"Did you tell him about Lady Iris before me?"

"Well..."

Sir Jonahson popped his head out from his wizard's cavern.

"I thought I told you I didn't want to be in your blog!" said the fungoid mystifier. "Oh, and Toddveig? Yeah, he told me. Oxymoron has a big mouth, paradoxically."

Todd waxed wroth, beard wax aflame. "You told that Hegelmonger before me??"

"Uh... er... qox li vi'aun ve?"

With a mighty shout Toddveig pulled a bamboo broadsword from the Druid Chest of Lost and Found. He came at me with a beardly fury, slashing and swinging and rolling a 20-sided die. Just then Justron passed by, and I grabbed the straw from his drink.

"HAH!" I said, thrusting at Toddveig the straw that was made of... PLASTIC.

"Now, come on," Toddveig said, backing up precipitously, "let's relax, hooker, just... whoa...!"

I waved the straw around with maestro-like dexterity until a thunderous roar from the heavens interrupted our deadly sport. It was Queen Drusilla flying in on a dragon with polyester pants...

"I guess I'm not the only one, amirite," I said.

Toddveig rolled his eyes.

"Everyone put on their name medallions!" I cried to the troops.

Queen Drusilla stared at us with frosty whiteness. "Have these signed and dated," she said with an eldritch cackle as she distributed triplicate forms. "And then send them to HR--Hobbit Resources."

"Jesus," Jonahson said. "How many more bad Tolkien jokes are you going to make?"

"A Silmillion," I said, rosy-cheeked.

Queen Drusilla then turned on me. "Prithee, Sir Oxymoron, did you keep the jousting entrants?"

"Er... yes. I have them in my gnome pouch."

"Excellent."

"Liar!" screamed Toddveig.

"I fain prefer truth-challenged," I said.

As I fled for a land free of tedious medievalism, Evan from IT came out from his cubby and started to play on his little flute, doing a little dance.

"All right, I'm out," Jonahson said, and he ripped off his wizard's cap.