"Who will survive? I dunno, that guy?
Over there? No, to your right..."
Over there? No, to your right..."
That's right, in today's Movie Minute, we will roost with the avian STD known as BIRDEMIC. It all starts promisingly enough with two crazy kids speaking in fractured Klingon.
"Blplv'a!"
"What?"
"What?"
The male lead attains his sales goals at Time-Life Libraries...
"Yess! They're going to look at the first book for ten days,
and then if they like it they'll look at other books in the series!!"
While his true love models fans for a living...
"Over-the-head-and-back maneuver! I have to buy one!
And then look at others in the series!!"
Just when their beautiful Klingon love (qohkl'plv'aa) was about to get consummated with protein ovipositors, area birds get angry. So they drop bombs.
"KILL THE FORNICATORS!"
Apparently, man has despoiled his environment for too long and now we are going to pay the price with real-life (not real) angry birds. I would have guessed coastal inundation and zombies instead, but screeching, pooping birds works, too.
"Ignore the depth perspective, people. Just, uh, be terrified."
The humans learn that only together can we face such an excremental threat to our way of life, even if it means all our coats have to be on the floor.
"Finally I respect dry cleaning!"
Mayhem ensues as tourists try to leave Wee Britain only to get shit on. Isn't that always the way of things?
"Not my eyes! I need those to breathe!"
Thankfully our knuckleheaded heroes are there to expertly clear the skies of the infestation, and look tuff doing it.
"Eat lead, you majestic eagle!!"
When the action gets too intense, we learn more about why the humans are bad and ruining the planet and stuff. A scientician played by Dennis Hopper comes to lecture us.
Another scientologist lives among the trees and encourages everyone to have sex with them. And him.
"How can we sleep when our beds are
burning? And filled with bird poop??"
In the end, the movie leads to a satisfying conclusion where the birds decide to stop attacking. Our heroes watch them fly away with various degrees of attention.
"I'm not asking you to buy something sight-unseen,
of course, ha ha, but once you decide you like the book will you
go ahead and buy it and then look at others in the series?"
So fuck you, Paul Blart! What do you know about saving the planet?
Typical viewers by the end
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