Floating Your Boat--Of Rage

Mom and I were at Perkins. I set down my menu ruminatively.

"Have you noticed how angry people are all the time?" I said.

"Is this going to make me upset?" Mom said, upset.

"No. Well, maybe. Just an observation. At work Todd has a lot of anger. The other day our volunteer John needed to get into the building. We were in a meeting, and John couldn't get in no matter how much he furiously and impatiently pounded on the back door. So he came around to the front window and jerked his arm to signal he needed to be let in. Unfortunately, Todd was in the line of fire for John's less-than-loving gesture, and he was not happy. He didn't like the way John had gestured. It was rude. I told him maybe John had a problem with his shoulder from all the plots he digs in his back yard, or from the circular bone saw he operates every day in his basement."

"I don't like the eggs here."

"Anyway, Todd has been seething about it ever since. He wants me to fire John. But firing implies he's fire-able. Maybe I can put him on administrative leave?"

"I'm going to call Aunt Aeneid today."

"Aeneid? I hope her husband used Trojans." Smirk.

"I'm really not hungry. What are you having?"

"You have lipstick on your teeth, Mom."

"Oh!" Mom rubbed, not quite getting all of it. "And I see you have a book with you. That must be a comfort thing for you, isn't it."

"Yes, I don't read my books, actually. I use them as pillows. For comfort."

"Mewy was mewing at me all night. She got me up at two am! Do you think she needs anger management?"

"Probably! And your cat is not alone. Justkidding has a video on her twitter feed of her yelling at the Aurora city council. At one point it looks like she's choking on her rage. It's like she actively looks for things to make her angry, and then she explodes. She just--"

"You're too loud, son. I can't hear my pancakes."

"Sorry. You know, Drusilla my manager said the same thing to me the other day. I was telling a coworker a fascinating story about Pat--you know, the famous one about him flipping a Mexican gangster over his back--when she came over and said she could hear every word. Then she told me to push my chair closer so no one would hear my stupid and intensely aggravating voice."

"No one likes your Pat stories."

"Anyway, it rather bothered me and made me wonder why I continue to put up with this crap at my age and decrepitude. It made me angry."

"You have anger issues. Just like your brothers."

"Indeed. In fact, Todd has been going to a float studio to float in water and think about how angry he is. It sounds like a good idea. Except it costs 120 dollars a session."

"What!"

"Yes, so you can get angry about how expensive the treatment is, so you need the treatment to deal with the cost, and then you're angry all over again. It's a vicious cycle of wetness."

NEXT SCENE:

I got into my floating tub. Next to me was Todd...

"I'mma kill that fucker John."

And next to him was Justkidding. And next to her was my brothers. We were all floating! Just then a jackass came in and did a cannonball into my tub.

"CARL JUNG!!" screamed Jonah.

"What?"

"I mean--HEGEL!!"

"Too late!"