Miami Deconstruction

As part of my many, many New Year's resolutions, I have vowed to get more roughage in my cinema diet. And let me tell you I've been crapping like a rock star (the keyboardist from Brutal Dragon)!! One of my turds was something called MIAMI CONNECTION. (Before that it was RYAN'S BABE--but at least I won 20 large, whoooooo! maybe get a car, some clothes, yeah...!)

MIAMI CONNECTION takes place in... wait for it... Orlando--possibly an allusion to Virginia Woolf's 1928 experimental novel about transgender pirates. It stars a li'l fellow by the name of Y.K. Kim, who uses his mad Taekwondo skills to warn the world about Y2K. In his best scene, he flees into the jungle where DOS can't get him.

 

"Y2K, everyone! Y2K!!! SOMEONE HOLD ME!!"

Kim is part of a metal band called Brutal Dragon. His fellow Taekwondo instructors insist on playing their instruments, even after being told by fans to please stop. Standing in a parking lot ensues.

"Hold on, hold on, are you telling me computers aren't able to roll over into

the year 2000?! WHY ISN'T THE GOVERNMENT DOING ANYTHING?!?!?"

The best character is Maurice, who is the product of a Black American and a Yellow Korean. He finds out that his dad is still alive and he is not, as Kim says, an "orpan." He also learns he is not cut out for gay porn.

 "Elijah? Is that you? Will you rub lotion on me... and my friends?"   

There is also karate chop suey in abundance. The line between fast-as-lightnin' Fu and gay porno is tantalizingly delicious.

"Your knuckle tastes like taint."

The boys let off some steam looking for hot dudes and showing off their mustachios.

"You don't understand. Bus ticket validation machines in Australia

won't work unless we change the way we think about computers!"

Sexually frustrated, Y.K. charges out of a shrubbery in the hopes of getting someone to listen.

"AIIIIEEEEE! I'll have to do the date formatting by hand!!!" 

Unfortunately, he hacks to death the one cute guy who was interested in subscribing to his newsletter: Y2K Not A-OK.

"Nooo! I needed my arm to compile my UNIX server!"

In the end, the movie ends with a beautiful ending of sexy men holding up their favorite sex partner.

"Don't you hate shirts?" 

Maybe not the very best in cinema, roughage-wise, but I was thrilled to discover that MIAMI CONNECTION had action figures for sale! Suck it, My Dinner with Andre!

Meanwhile...