Me
Todd
Jonah
Stage Manager
Liesel
Samuel Beckett
Lady with Dog
SCENE: A library with a sad brown floor and dirty bums (staff) and homeless people snoozing under newspapers. TODD, wearing fingerless hemp gloves, wanders the stage. Stops before ME as I struggle with my trousers.
TODD: Don't take this the wrong way, but you have age spots on your head, bro. You should put sunblock on when you go out.
ME: I slept in a ditch last night. (finishes struggling with trousers: they are backwards) I am pleased.
TODD: Why are you sleeping in a ditch?
ME: It's not as bad as it sounds. It's a purple mattress ditch. Lots of support for my pressure points. (smiles at audience)
TODD: So what's going on? Is Karen coming back, or what?
ME: You see, I'm a clown or something. I illuminate the human condition.
TODD: So she's not coming back.
ME: Why don't you ask Justkidding. Maybe she knows?
TODD: Fuck her skanky black ass. (Ponders) Was that racist? Well, GOOD!
ME: At least she won't be leaving her keys on the break room table anymore.
TODD: One time I took her keys and dropped them on the floor. (cackles uber-beardedly) But I only did it once!
JONAH: (enters stage right) What's going on? There's a man at the desk who wants to pick up his inter-galactic hold.
ME: (turns to audience) Actually said by a customer.
JONAH: Who are you talking to?
ME: I'm an existential clown, you see.
JONAH and TODD: Shut up.
LADY WITH DOG: (wears rasta cap, looks familiar) Hey! Some entitled woman tried to steal my newspaper. (holds up phone) I took a picture of her. She was very rude.
ME: Ah.
LADY WITH DOG: (crazy eyes threatening) Well? Are you going to do something about it?
ME: (shrinks) I'd rather not.
TODD (interrupting): Bro, you know something about what's going on. But you're not telling me! COME ON. Tell me if Karen is coming back or not!
ME: That is the question. To Karen, or not to Karen.
TODD: Well?!?
ME: She might be coming back. She might not. We'll just have to wait.
TODD: Argh. Don't give me that Switzerland shit. You never commit, you just give me nothing answers. I want to know. NOOOWWWWW!!!
LADY WITH DOG: Shh!
TODD (stomps off stage, yells): You're a tyrant of Swiss neutrality!
JONAH (cocks brow at me): Did he say you're a tyrant of Swiss neutrality?
ME: (half shrugs)
The phone rings. It rings ominously. Everyone on stage looks at each other awkwardly. Finally, with ginger clown fingers, ME pick up the receiver.
ME: H-hello? God....?
VOICE: (mysterious) Are you waiting for Karen?
ME: Yes! Is this HR?
VOICE: Never mind that. Just know that I want to reserve a study room for the night. Can I sleep in there? (disconnects)
ME: (to audience) Customers are kee-rrazy, aren't they?
JONAH: Don't be a schmendrick.
ME: Me?
YOU: You, yes.
JONAH: (wheels about on Justron) Hey! Get your grubby Jew fingers off my beverage!
JUSTRON: (softly hurt) How come I'm not listed in the Characters?
JONAH: (confidentially to me) I shouldn't be mean. He's in mourning for that hack Mary Oliver. (lifts his Triple Black to his happy mouth) This is the stuff! The drink for Holocaust deniers everywhere! Now in Shoah Acai!
JONAH: Is that racist? Well, GOOD.
ME: (cozy) At Ruby Creek, racism never felt so good.
JONAH (looks over the character list): We've been promised Beckett. Where is Sam Beckett?
ME: (winks) I guess we'll have to... wait for it... wait for him.
JONAH: Dumb.
The phone rings. Everyone leaves the stage. I stay to sweep up the spotlight, which I then pantomime putting down my backward trousers. Feign orgasm.
VOICE: Don't you want to know if Karen is coming back or not?
ME: Meh.
VOICE: Spoiler: she's not.
The stage is empty. And the rest is silence.
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