Friday, December 7, 2018

Always Stroking My Own Wookiee

In today's Movie Minute, SOLO: A STAR WARS STORY answers questions such as: Where'd Han get his dreamy vest? What Berlitz class did he learn Wookiee? And why is Woody Harrelson?

"That's right. Why is Woody Harrelson?"

SOLO gives us a young Harrison Ford, but with none of his voice-over sleepiness or non-existent acting ability.

"If I see Greedo, I have to remember to let him shoot me first.
At least that's what some old guy told me in a dream."

Though mildly able to articulate the shit someone has typed, the new Han Solo exhibits all the charisma of your dad's new novel, if that new novel was called 50 SHADES OF MILTON FRIEDMAN.

The bad guy is less handsome, and therefore less nice. He's part of a syndicate from the Planet of British Accents, and not the delightful kind of syndicate that brings us Fred Basset to our breakfast nook every morning. No, this bad guy is THE MAN, and he wants Han Solo to stop getting involved with cannabis. Or is it Woody Harrelson?

"No, why is Woody Harrelson?"

Along the way, Harrison Holo assembles a ragtag band of muppets, hippies, and jive-talking Clint Howard impersonators.

"Luke, I am your father. And I am Ron Howard's
 brother. And probably someone's cousin. Sheesh am I ugly."

If all this doesn't prod the boning experience, then we also have a young lady who straps on her perfect breasts and readies herself for a night of horizon dancing. In space.

"I sure hope I don't run into the Galactic Federation of PETA."

The hero wins a neato ship in a poker game from Billy Dee Williams lite, or is that heavy? All I know is there's something heavy in my space britches.

"COLT FORRRR-TEEE FIVE! YEAH!!!"

They play games onboard the ship to make sure the movie is doing as much fan service as possible.

"Meanwhile, another draw in the Carlsen match. Zzzz..."

Then they fly into Andy's eyeball so he can watch Madagascar with rich enjoyment.

"Dude, your eye is fucked up."

In the end, the bad guys betray the good guys who betray each other who betray the audience who betrays their desire to buy more toys. Fail all around.

At least they have a new hat! (Hat not included.)

Seriously, why Woody Harrelson? 

"Why? Yeah, I don't get it either."

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