Go East, Old Man

Awash in unwanted Proustianisms, I sat alone in the library of East High School. My objective was to entice impressionable students to the dark path of library science. Few stopped by my table set up with brochures and skulls. It didn't help that I had dawned my new sweater Mom had given me.

"Don't let this happen to you, kids!"

There I was, lost in contemplating the Travels of Marco Polo, Venetian, when finally a class of students wandered into my web. I gave the nearest student a tight smile in my beard. He seemed frightened.

"I'm not a hobo," I said.

"Oh." He seemed disappointed.

"Want a library card? It'll open the door to a magical world of ideas and information and bloggin'."

The student grunted. As he filled out the application, my phone buzzled.

"GREG," came Mom's voice. "I need to talk to you!"

"Okay, but I'm at East, Mom. Can we maybe--?"

"I think Bingo ate my dentures."

"What?"

"Bingo! He's been acting strange all day and I think he ate my dentures. I'm trying not to cry as I tell you this."

"And I'm trying not to laugh."

"I've torn up the house. I can't find them anywhere! I'll have to spend thousands to get a new impression made. Oh, this is terrible!"

"Okay, let's just think. Has Bingo ever tried to eat his own teeth? And maybe he was just licking off the Polident? Maybe it gets him high?"

"This isn't funny! I'll have to take him to the vet and get his stomach pumped."

I continued riffing like a pro. "Maybe Bingo's an anti-dentite, maybe Bingo thought the teeth would eat him first if he didn't..." The student waved the application in my face. "Mom? Can I get back to you?"

Mom hung up. I signed up several young people, helping them achieve their dreams of fine removal.

Ten minutes later my phone burzled.

"GREG. Is there any way you could come over and help me look for my dentures? I've torn the whole house apart! But maybe it's under the chair. It's too heavy for me to lift..."

"I don't know, Mom. I have to be here. You know, surly teenagers are our future sullen adults. Have you tried squeezing Bingo really hard?"

"This dog will be the death of me. I don't know where my teeth could be! Can you come over, please? Do I sound funny without my teeth in?"

"Mom, just--"

"Maybe we can get Bingo to poop and we can find them that way. Will you come over and help me go through his poop?"

"Gotta run."

I never felt so grateful when several more students came in wanting library cards.

"Thank you," I told the students gathered around. "Thank you. Otherwise I'd be rooting through poop for my mom's teeth. Anyway. Wait--don't go!"

My phone blurferled.

"GREG. Are you there? I've been calling and calling. Do you have a minute?"

"Yes, Mom," I said. "But I can't really--"

"I found the dentures, thank God! They were on my head under my glasses the whole time! Can you believe it? I'm so happy. I was worried sick that poor Bingo was going to be hurt."

"Oh, okay. Good."

"You're not going to blog about this, are you?"

"No," I said forcefully. "Nor am I blogging about this right now."

"And are you wearing the sweater I got you? You like it, don't you?"

"Yes, Mom."

"Good! Now, listen, I have to talk some more about this and that!"

"Yes, Mom."

An hour later I hung up. What happened to the days when you weren't allowed to talk on your cell phone in the library?? DAMN DEMOCRATS