Interregnum Stulte Magnissime Poopy

With Karen out for obscure medical reasons, and sweet anarchy descending upon Ruby Creek, I found myself thrust into greatness. I declared I was in charge now. Tremble before thy Ozymandias!

I was busy thrusting out my chin when some old bird came up to my desk.

"Can I get the new Dan Brown book? What's the name of it?"

I regally eyed the impertinent customer. "Origin?" I deigned to say.

"It begins with an O. It's his latest."

"Origin."

"Can you put me on hold for it? I don't know the name. It's his latest."

"Origin is the name."

"Whatever it is, can you put me on hold? What's the name of it?"

"The book is called Origin. By Dan Brown. I put it on hold for you. Now... begone."

"Thank you. And what's the name of the book?"

"ORIGIN."

Her lacquered face crackled. "That's it!" She snapped at the air triumphantly. "I knew I'd think of it!"

I was sitting for my oil portrait when Donovan came over. He needed to report his findings in the men's restroom downstairs.

"You know how the bottom of the toilet has a hole?" Donovan made a toilet O with his hands. "About yeah big?"

"Mm, yes, I've stared it down many times."

"This morning there was some... you know, just stuck there. Now how can something that size come out of someone? That ain't right. And I had to fish it out. When I'm doing those kind of things, it don't make me angry. It just makes me sad."

"I have something else to make you sad. You see, since I'm in charge," chest puff, "I've been getting the customer comment cards."

One said: "BUILD A CELL PHONE BOOTH." No, that wasn't it. I shuffled through them. Another said: "THIS LIBRARY CARRYS BRUTAL SHOCKING CRAP. PLEASE ELIMINATE THESE ITEMS..." No, that wasn't it. (Why were they all so shouty?) Here it was. Yet another high-decibel comment:

"YR AIR FRESHENERS ARE HORRIBLE SMELLING AND CANNOT BE HEALTHY, TO BREATHE. MY FRIEND AND I DEVELOPED HEADACHES. PLEASE STOP USING THIS FOUL FRAGRANCE IT SMELLS LIKE A DIA SHIT TOILET."

Donovan stared at the comment. "What this mean?"

"Who knows. But take care of it, will you?" I fingered my ermine and fixed my steely gaze upon him. "Dismissed."

Then Mark Hotdog our Origami Specialist came in, lugging a giant tree. Red in the face, panting, he said, "Okay, where do you want it?"

"Huh?"

"Where do you want it! Karen wanted a Christmas tree, and here it is."

"Oh, uh..." I dithered. "Put it... wherever?"

"What? Do you want it here?" He nodded at our shocking brutal crap section.

"No. Uh... er..." Where was Karen?? "I mean, where do you want to put it?"

"It's your decision."

"Um. Yeah. Er."

Mark stared at me with suppressed rage and homosexuality. "You better step up to the plate! Don't make me fold you."

"All right, uh, put it by the... travel books?" (Swing and a mistletoe!)

"Fine!"

He dragged the tree to its new home, trailing pine needles and Christmas cheer.

Todd came over, scowling beardfully after Mark.

"What's that homo up to?"

"He's not gay," I said. "Just furiously festive. Anyway, I've got a comment card here. Did you ask one of our patrons how old they were? And then when they said they were 33, you told them that they were too young to be checking out DVDs? Were you... DVD shaming them?"

"What's your point?"

"I just thought... you know, the comment card." I twirled my hand. Suddenly I was feeling weary. Weren't monarchs supposed to have a royal good time? Where was my turkey leg?

"Well?"

"Never mind."

"Jerk. You think you're the boss now, but you're just a TYRANT."

Todd stomped away, and I made a mental note to have my spies watch him more closely. I went back to desultorily shuffling through the last of the comment cards. I was shocked to see something about Justron.

"Oh, no," I said, reading. "Not our favorite Jew?!"

I summoned him to my royal circulation quarters.

"Yes, boss?"

I tented my fingers. "Justron," I said imperially. "It's come to my attention that you've been having sexual relations with your fellow shelver back on the workroom desk. Is this true?"

Justron was stunned. "Was that wrong? Had I known... Wait! That IS wrong! Let me see that!"

He grabbed the comment card.

"Just as I thought. Jonah wrote the comment! See the interrobang? Only Jonah is pretentious enough to use them!"

In the background we heard chuckling snortles. Jonah peeped around the corner, and then disappeared into the stacks.

"Come back here!" Justron yelled softly. "I'll interro-bang you!"

I sighed. I was starting to wonder if I was just another Al Haig wannabe.

Justkidding came by. She had a get-well card for Karen, and wanted me to draw something in it.

"What should I draw?"

"Maybe a drawing of her in her coffin," Justkidding said, and whooped a laugh. Then she got serious. "Too soon?"

Get well too soon, Karen! This crown is heavy as fuck!