I C BMs

Jonah was concerned about the future. As in, not having one.

"Do you worry about North Korea ending it all? Two madmen in charge of nuclear weapons, and such?"

We were sitting at the circulation desk, coolly ignoring customers. I leaned back, crossing my arms behind my head and chewing on a hay stalk.

"Listen to me, young feller. This current foofaraw is nothing compared to the olden days. Why, back in the Reagan years we had the threat of nuclear annihilation hanging over our heads every day. And all while Bananarama songs played in the background! That was true terror."

"So we're not going to die?" Jonah said fretfully.

"Naw. Back in college Andy and I would have some funny dreams about nuclear annihilation. Beautiful, beautiful dreams. Andy, of course, dreamt about heart-shaped mushroom clouds. Though they weren't plausible, they taught us all about the technique of farce. I had a dream about a flash and cloud appearing over the mountains. And so on. All of this seemed plausible because the Soviets had ICBMs and they were targeted at every city in the United State. And once Reagan got into office it seemed there was just the right amount of lunacy for all-out war to break out."

"But now it's even worse."

"No. This stuff is just saber rattling between two demented children. In the eighties we truly had to learn to love the bomb and also Frankie Goes to Hollywood. Nowadays you kids don't know how good you have it. In fact, even into the nineties we felt there was still a chance of annihilation. When I was a telemarketer I used to do all sorts of drawrings. Here's one from about 1991 of some glorious naptime for us all...

"You'll notice that when the nucular blast hits, your eyeballs will pop out, your nose and heart will explode, and your brains will jump like a Mexican fritata in hot oil. So, people, protect yourself--duct tape your eyes, nose and heart! And you should be fine."

Todd came over. "Hey, what're you two doing?"

"Just talking about the Agamemnon," I said coolly.

"Great. Anyway, Jay left early." [Jay was a circulation clerk who's making his debut today in this blog!]

"Yes, he was going to a Rockies game."

Todd nodded. "Well, he took a really huuge dump before he left. There were skid marks on the toilet. I mean, thick, greasy skid marks."

I searched for something to say. Finally, I said: "Super."

"But don't worry," Todd hastened to assure us. "There aren't any skid marks anymore. But they sure were big. He must've had a really big crap. Yeah?"

Todd smiled hugely in his beard.

"You know, I think I'd rather talk about nuclear annihilation," Jonah said.

"Actually, I'm hungry," I said. "Who's up for some Mexican fritatas with a side of Baby Ruths??"

NEXT WEEK: More adventures with the League of Extraordinary Circ Clerks!