Reggie And The Meaning Of Art

"So I just finished a new painting," Reggie said.

"Let me guess. A nude unicorn?"

"No, it's a nude painting of that chick I met at Safeway, at the deli? Yeah, she was a fine ass broad. We had a real nice time."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one thing led to another..." Eyebrows.

"Oh, please tell me more."

"I put on some smooth jazz. She was getting real relaxed, just laying there nude and erotic. I smeared oil on her body to bring out the highlights. Then I got real close to her vagina, rubbing the oil into her vagina, all around it to bring out the best light. Then I pinched out her clit, making it stand out nice and puffy. She really liked my style of painting. You know? Yeah. So I put on some protection and we had sex. It was great."

"Yes," I said. "Cezanne, Renoir, Matisse... All the great masters made sure to plump up the vagina. And get the clit nice and puffy. Because who wants to see some boring old nude if the clitoris isn't sticking out like a traffic cone? Right?"

"Right, right!" Reggie nodded.

"So did you ever get around to actually, you know, painting?"

"That only took fifteen minutes. See, you spend too long on your paintings. You got to let it flow out, son. And you need to stop painting yourself all the time."

"Don't you ever paint yourself?"

"Yes, I have a full body painting. It hangs over my bed. It's about six feet tall. I'll let you see it sometime.

But I told my kids to let me know when the grandkids are coming by so I have time to take it down. That, and the other sexy paintings I have hanging on the walls. And the sex toys. The nipple clamps. The butt plugs. And the lube. You know, all my art supplies."

"Guiry's has the best dildoes."

"But I added a few inches to my schnauzer. Women love a big penis, you know. It fills them up and makes them feel good."

"Has it ever happened that someone comes into your bedroom and they let out a terrible shriek?"

"Hey, you like eating pussy, don't you?"

"Depends on who it belongs to. Or to whom. Wait, is that right? Who... Whom..."

"Some are a little tart. I have them rewash it before I go back in."

"Okay. But why did you suddenly ask me that question?"

"I don't know. It just popped into my head. But you're not gay, are you?"

"No, how many times have I--"

"But you've got to stop painting yourself all the time! If you're going to do a painting of yourself, it needs to have some action--like you riding on a dragon. That would be REAL art."

"Real art. Goddamnit, I'll do it."

Reggie burst out laughing. "I love you, man!"

"Love you, too."

Next Week: Reggie and I discuss the civil rights movement, flavored condoms