The 'Burps

In today's Movie Minute we plunge into the swooningly unfunny THE 'BURBS, starring Tom Hanks in pre-full-retard mode (and hence no Oscar).

Hanks tries to fight his fate by turning into the Hulk. Otherwise known as The Hank. But all he manages is a feeble shart.

"Hooch, get back here! Get--! Oop."

It turns out that a life of dull suburban conformity is not all that exciting. Huh! In the words of a contemporary masterpiece, this low down nigga be feenin' for some action.

(Still waiting for the boxers to dry...)
"Mm. Should I throw in a Snuggles dryer sheet...?"

THE BURBS delves into su'burbia wherein the viewer is confronted with the astonishing fact that the blurbbery bubbley 'burbs are not what they burseem. Could it be that beburhind the facade of church picnics, lawn watering, monkey training and huckleberry pie baking, the suburbs are actually a place of orgiastic cannibalism and morbid Satanism?

Hanks fervently hopes so. He tries to swap his wife, played with wooden aplomb by Carrie Fisher, with the local weirdo.

"Will you accept a personal check...?"

Frustrated, Hanks decides to get to the bottom of it all by recruiting local character actors and hope for some comedy.

"Which Corey am I again...?"

The intrepid sleuths find a bone buried in the neighbor's yard, which tragically gets us no closer to understanding why the film was made.

"NOOOOO! I told him to eat her--but not literally!"

One by one people are sold into slavery and are forced to eat their own cooked genitals. Dr Josef Mengele supervises the operation with a twinkle in his eye.

"Come on, someone throw me a bone. Get it?"

The movie ends, as all movies do, with a ritualistic drinking of children's blood and a run to the local waffle emporium. But don't blame me, Princess Leia is the one who punched up this post.

"Damn those meddling kids and their eating of fetuses to summon the Dark Lord. Sheesh."

I'm moving to the inner city.