Mega Piranha Ha

Today's Movie Minute asks the question "Do Mega Piranha exist?" that no one asked ever. The answer comes in the form of a movie, not a new experimental anti-depressant drug, which is tremendously disappointing.

Our hero is a poor poor poor poor poor poor poor man's Jean Claude VanDamme.

"Yeah, I want that with pepperoni. And I'm not wearing a shirt so you'll have to speak up." 

He has a sneery scowly thin-lipped growly scowl that really juices up the juices. Amirite, ladies?

"Damnit, I said extra cheese! What is wrong with these people?!"

All well and good, you say. But what if you are of the malehetero persuasion and want some sweet action for your own eyeball grapes?

"Sorry about eating all the pepperoni pizza, guys..."

Awwww hells to the yeah. That's right, TIFFANY. I believe we're alone now. *pant pant* Amirite, guys?

Then for the Brady Bunch fetishists out there, we have this guy

"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Do you hear me? I want a pepperoni pizza! Goddamnit, doesn't anything work in this movie...?" *sigh* 

But why oh why all the marine life in these movies?? Moby Dick, Sharknado, Sharktopus Wouldn't it be more plausible to have land animals, who are already ON LAND, attack people, uh, on land? Like Hungry Hungry Hippos, Giant Juggalos, or Michael Moore...?

Anyhoo, this minor complaint aside, the movie concerns a rogue Red Lobster scientist who creates a GMO piranha for the buffet, and it's up to hunks and mall singers to stop it. Meanwhile, guys in the Venezuelan Army wear berets and chew more scenery than a piranha ever could.

 "All right, who ordered the gefilte fish?"

Tired of swimming around those treasure chests and the little guys in the diver suits, the fish leap out to attack shiny objects--which happen to be military helicopters. 

"Yuummm!"

As a ploy, the hero gets on his back and sexily tries to seduce the fish with his karate-kicking feet. Too bad they couldn't get Troy McClure!

Uh, let's see. Other stuff happens. The fish get really big. They attack buildings and stuff. Someone gets paid. Buildings blow up, lives are lost, pizza doesn't get delivered. Yeah.

And Tiffany. Let's not forget Tiffany. She gets eaten by a fish. Or she eats one. A really, really big one. Hence the term MEGA.

Thanks for all the fat jokes, Tiffany!