What A Duck-Up

Today's Movie Minute is a fowl cinematic clusterduck known as HOWARD THE DUCK. It turns out not to be what it's quacked up to be. As duck would have it, it really lays an egg. (Eat your heart out, Bruce Vilanch.)

The "story" concerns a duck who lives on a planet with ducks. Then he gets sucked into an interplanetary vortex and winds up on Earth so he can creep us all the fuck out.

He gets into bed with a very kinky lady and tries to duck her brains out.

Then he steals a blazer from MC Hammer and orders the Egg Holocaust at the local Denny's with his weird plastic dead creepy inhuman blue eyes until we must look away. LOOK AWAY 

As the plot progresses for no earthly or duckly reason, Howard meets an idiot who pretends to be a scientist, and the two of them fly in a contraption that is meant to inspire childlike wonder in us all but instead makes us passionately long for duck season to start early. 

Together, against all odds, they must battle a great evil.

Er, I mean, a great evil monster. Yeah, that's it.

By the end, Howard does a gratuitous Prince homage/ripoff as revenge for Under a Cherry Moon. If nothing else, this is what the kids are into: a midget in a duck suit playing a guitar. Right? RIGHT?

Get that planet on the phone

Ain't no time to waste

Tell 'em I ain't coming home

Done joined the human race!

He a creepy little dude

Shakes his tail feathers as he walks

Stares dead eyes at you and gives you 'tude

Oh, and his bill hardly moves when he talks!

Call him

Howard

THE

Duck

HUH

Howard 

THE 

Duck

HUH

Howard

THE 

Duck 

(repeat)

Everyone! Come on, put your hands together! WHOOO!....


As for this, this is is what I'm talking about, Roger Corman!

Er, maybe not.