Thursday, February 14, 2013

All You Need Is Love (And A Creepy Bear)

Mom and I met at the Perkins out by Highway 51, next to the sewage treatment plant and the poop factory. The setting sun looked like a fiery Valentine, menstruating all over the mountain landscape. Writing!

"I don't suppose you hear from Sara, Greg," Mom said, sitting in the booth across from me and looking like the cat that had eaten the pirate.

"What? No. Why would I?"

"I'm just concerned. You seem very lonely. I know it's been hard for you after your divorce. I hope you will find your soul mate soon. There is someone out there, I'm sure of it."

I scanned the menu. "I think I'll have the Venereal Pancakes tonight."

"But in the meantime, I want you to be happy..." Mom whipped out the giant package she had with her. "Please don't laugh. I want you to have this. Happy Valentine's Day!!"

"Dear God," I gasped. "What is it?"

"It's a teddy bear, silly! You can keep it in bed with you at night. Isn't he a cutie? I have several of them myself on my bed. And they aren't cheap, you know."

"Is that a pimp hat? Mom, did you give me a pimp for Valentine's Day?"

"Of course not. If you don't like it, then just say so. I can give it to one of your brothers, then."

"I'm afraid it'll try to slit my throat with its star-shaped shades in the middle of the night."

"Okay, if you're not going to appreciate what I've given you, then--"

"It looks like a leprechaun crossed with a pimp crossed with Elton John."

"I'll give it to one of your brothers, then. Give it to me!"

"No, no. I like it, Mom. And don't cry around Teddy Pimpster. He hates sad parties. No, I'll keep it. Thank you."

"I was trying to help you get through your rough times, after your divorce, I just thought..."

"No, it's nice, Mom. It's great. I love it. I'll cuddle with it tonight, in fact. I'll cuddle the shit out of it."

And cuddle I did, reader. But if you freaks think I tried to have relations with my creepy plush doll, you'd be only half right. No, instead I whipped out the ol' WaxVac 3000 Ear Wax Removal System and went to town.

But instead of this baby that's feebly and poignantly trying to fend off its gadget-crazed father, imagine the baby is my pimp doll. WORK WITH ME, PEOPLE.

Awww, yeah. Put it allll the way in. Ughhhhmmmmgnngh. Your ear is so dirty, Pimpy.... Yeah. Aw yeah. God yeah, your furry ear is getting super clean now...... Uhhhhmmm....

Yes. I had a very satisfying Valentine's Day. How was yours?

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