Tuesday, November 27, 2012


We here at MM Industries would like to announce something of the greatest importance: we have now officially witnessed THE WORSE MOVIE OF ALL TIME (after Avatar):

It is very very very very very bad. Very.

A movie that by its very existence sucks the goodness out of the world and makes us all death camp guards and pedophiles.

A movie that shits in your eyeballs and then vomits scabs from Screech's cock up your ass.

A movie that makes kittens cry.

But what is this atrocity exhibition all about, you don't ask? It has something to do with a post-apocalyptic world where people ride around on dirt bikes and try to kill each other in a vain attempt to escape the movie. Worst of all, there is an inexplicable dearth of side-hacking. I mean, come on. SIDE-HACKING.

It stars David Carradine as a free spirit who likes horsies and deep mystical pronouncements like: "Our union is pure, Googy. Now let us become One and cup my balls."

Carradine, roaming the wastelands on a horse with no name, gets his loinclothed ass captured and he must fight in the Deathsport Games--a sort of white trash Cirque du Soleil from the future, a very boring future. The villain is a confused and dissolute Hugh Hefner.

David Carradine rides his "death machine" with his playmate at his side. The two of them engage in witless gladiatorial combat with a goons wearing silver lame. Somehow the movie does not collapse upon itself in a singularity of suck.

The Deathsport itself consists of stunt people doing what they do on "death machines" (actually dirt bikes with silver-painted cardboard; Corman must have gotten a good deal on a fleet), perilously coming close to becoming BMX Bandits but without the textured complexity. SSCCCCCHHHHWWOOOOOOOOOSCCCHHHH!

Carradine escapes the Deathsport and runs around killing craft service workers in a frantic attempt to find something decent to eat. Some pants would be nice, too.

Lids are getting verry verrry heavy until the ladyfriend gets her naked ass captured and suddenly the viewer is wide awake. So very wide awake.

She sings an aria about love and full frontal nudity ending her career. Carradine comes to the rescue and there is a final showdown between him and the bad guy with very long plastic swords.

Compensate much?

We have 15 copies of this at the Denver Public Library. Come and get 'em, folks!!!

Next week: BATTLE TRUCK! Also known as: WHY?

No comments:

Post a Comment