The movie involves meddling kids and bumbling crooks and brambling cooks and bubbling cocks. The kids, we learn, like to ride their bicycles to 80s synthesizer music, and such. Along the way they team up to form a TRIO of earnest crime-solvers, but with less shooting of bad guys in the face with lasers. (I'm still waiting, Hollywood.) Helpfully, their shirts have the BMX Bandits logo on them so we, the viewer, won't get confused at home. A hideous-haired Nicole teams up with Tim Roth in the middle and the guy on the left is... oh, we'll say he's Mario Lopez.
Creative inspiration can come in many forms. In this case, it came when someone saw this
and thought to himself, "Hmm. How can we make an entire film about this thing I found in my garage?"
The villains pull a bank heist and get foiled by said kids on their bikes that go "SCCEEEEEWWHHHOOOWWWSH!" every time they leave the ground--but not before Mr Blonde butchers Mario Lopez's ear and yells, "The bell ain't gonna save you this time, punk!" Or so was my understanding after my tenth bong/meth/highball/angeldust hit. (I'd like to see YOU get through this stuff without narcotics and/or illegal stimulants or/and PCP ecstasy acid dimes dipped in heroin-flavored mescaline etc.)
But how was Nicole Kidman, you don't ask?
She is not good. And yet she is much more believable as a perky BMX bike stunt rider in hot pants than a "brainy" nuclear scientist.
In the end, I have to admit the title disappointed me most of all. I mean, when a title has an "X" in it isn't there supposed to be some hardcore action? at least a DP or a creampie at minimum? Isn't there a law about that somewhere? There isn't? Are you sure? I'm going to check on that. In the meantime, contemplate the beauty and mystery that is
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* No.
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