Super Mario Brothers

Today's Movie Minute is the movie everyone's talking about, and not in the Go-Go's sense. Because, let's face it, we'll give 'em something to talk 'bout!

"I'm actually a thing in this! Good luck sleeping tonight!"

A cross between Pong and Howard the Duck, Super Mario Bros is about two Brooklyn pipefitters who insert long objects into pipes and who are into princesses and, most probably, queens.

"Someday our profession will be allowed by society!"

They go into another dimension in order to escape their agents and meet a man who has evolved from a T. Rex, which is most probable.

"See? Mm? My hands are like a T. Rex's! Okay,

 where's my fucking check, you fucking fuckers, fuck."

They also meet a young lady who has a thing for inter-species lovin'. Over time she falls in love with all nine of the puppeteers.

"Let's be gentle."

This makes the T. Rex guy very jealous, since it's obvious he has skills.

"Want to go out sometime?"

There's a story in this film, and it runs thusly: the Mario brothers, who are not related, must save the princess from the dinosaur people, who she is related to genetically, and get back to Brooklyn in time to star in various Spike Lee movies. Also, Mojo Nixon.

"This movie could use some fixin'!"

There are lots of action sequences, and by action sequences I mean action sequins. You know, those shiny things on your cabaret gown when you're gettin' some action. Anyway, the princess learns that her dad is a giant fungus slimeball who grows mushrooms but does not share.

"Who you gonna call? The Rip Offs!"

In the end, we all wish we'd been playing Pong instead. PONG 

"Aargh! My paddle is too short! If only there was 

something else to do on such a nice day! Oh well..."

Wait. Did I see the wrong movie? Aw hell.